Make the burning stop.....

Aunt Flo Salutes The Mo

2007-05-31T11:45:00.000-04:00

Guilt - that is what I feel now when I go to my poor, neglected blog. It isn't that I haven't missed writing to you all. It's really more a matter of either being a)too busy, b)too tired c)having nothing to say or d) being too melancholy.

It's just the way it is...

Anyhow, I'm thinking through the details for a new blog and will link to it when it is up and ready to go.

In the mean time, if you live in town you won't want to miss this month's installment of The Monthly Show with Aunt Flo. Honoring the GLBT community during pride week is a privilege for Aunt Flo as she has many homosexual friends (as well as friends of undetermined sexuality). Featuring comic Shawn Hollenbach, an old friend of Flo's named Preference Turner and other surprises in store.

Prattle on, dear girl...

2007-03-25T09:27:00.000-04:00

Hello again. Long time no typing. I have, of course, thought of you all but life seems to be a constant interruption. I find myself wishing that there was a computer that I could order to record the keystrokes of my addled brain but then I'd be posting so frequently you'd all be frightened and consumed with overexposure to neurotic behavior.

My current theory is that I'd get more done if I had a laptop but I'd find another distraction I'm sure. The greater likelihood i8s that I'll get a new desk. I moved my desktop computer into the living room because I wanted the bedroom to be just for sleeping - and of course my masturbatorium.
Dr. Finch: Hope! How dare you come in here! This is my masturbatorium! side note - I just saw Running With Scissors on dvd and I have to tell you not to bother especially if you liked the book. I also recently read this article that made me question everything I read/watched.

I went to Florida for our 2nd annual (so far) trip to Florida. Kelson, Tony and I went to stay with Joe in Fort Myers for 5 days. Joe, his girlfriend Andi and of course, Teddy, were great hosts. I think I bruised my liver. Kelson and I went into the water on Captiva Island on St. Patrick's Day (windy, around 82) and the waves tossed us all over the place. After I fought against them for a while I crashed on a blanket and closed my eyes. After a few minutes, I hear a voice walking past us say, "Die hard Northerners!"

I think one of my favorite parts of the trip was when Kelson, Tony and I went kayaking in the mangrove framed waters of Ding Darling Wildlife Refuge. It was so peaceful and a good workout. Kelson and I shared a double kayak and Tony had a single. Kelson and I have kayaked together quite a few times on the Hudson but we seemed to have finally found a groove (after first running into a few mangroves!)

We arrived home for a hectic Tuesday night preparing for The Monthly Show with Aunt Flo. Wednesday I sat at my desk with my head threatening to hit my keyboard any minute. In between drooling I typed out a simple light plan for Kelson to follow, a show outline and got my index cards of guest questions and segment intros. Around 25 people filled the cozy side room of Jimmy's No.43. They were a warm, smart and fun crowd and friends and a few not so familiar faces I almost frightened away with my excited and inquisitive stare (which probably looked a little mad).

Despite a few issues like our headlining comic not showing up (communication glitch possibly?) and some technical difficulties, the show was a big success and we got a really positive response. Extra special thanks go out to our opening crowd warmer Laura Mannino who started the evening off with just the right tone of wry wit and charming sarcasm. The commercials, guest montage and man on the street segments were particular favorites. The audience was really impressed with the Original Times Square Hustlers who highlighted our man on the street spot with a "hot 16" called Men's Frustration". Of course the evening was complete when Aunt Flo swooped in (late as usual) and treated the audience t some of her "wisdom of the ages".

Our excellent band/gang of writers, actors, visionaries and comics* are getting together this Thursday to brainstorm the next installment of The Monthly Show on April 18th.

I am happily at home, half typing to you, half paying attention to "The Science of Sleep" which I am digging but which will never touch Eternal Sunshine in my heart and mind. It reminds me of things I saw when I was young and crazy and carefree. It also makes me think of all the recurring symbols and themes in my dreams. In times when I have resisted growth I have always encountered an angry, determined snake in my somnabulistic journeys. It has bitten and choked me - burning its image into my mind until I was forced to face all the things I didn't want to.

The sun that comes through my back window is warming my legs and the keyboard resting on them. The light dips in and out as the clouds pass.

I will be traveling soon - a trip to Maryland to hug and kiss my seestor and her wee bairn and then a trip to Buffalo. Sadly, the father of one of my oldest friends passed away last Friday after a rapid but incredibly sad deterioration of his body. It is getting to the point where the majority of my friends have either lost one or both parents. It may sound naive but I thought that wasn't supposed to be the case until we all reached our 40's.

Friday March 23rd would have been my mother's 59th birthday. I really lost her around 1998 but its all a big cyclone of time and pain that alternates on any given day as to the length and nature of one's perception. I miss her every day and every now and again find some comfort in an unconscious banishment of the truth of her death. I hold in my heart the idea that she isn't really gone - just perhaps away on a trip and I don't have to accept never being with her again.

Alas, truth and time are undeniable. She is with me...but not in the way I want.

I think that's all I can come up with for now. I don't want to leave you on a down note so I'll leave you with this clip of Lily Tomlin that's been circulating around the web. There was another one in the car with Dustin Hoffman that made me roll but I can't find it as most of the clips have been removed by the very talented Ms. Tomlin's people. I won't judge her behavior - well, not when it makes me giggle and involves flagrant use of the word FUCK!

Happy Spring my little chickens!

*Currently: Kelson, AB Carney, Emily Epstein, Claudia Cogan, Rob Gompers and BC Hawkins.

Hall of Fame

2007-03-13T17:19:00.000-04:00

I've seen people on various chat sites and message boards talking about Grandmaster Flash being inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame. I just want to weigh in here and say that Rock n Roll has always been the music of choice for those with no voice.

You don't have to have guitars to have a rock attitude.
Its about experimenting, pushing past acceptable norms and saying

Fuck you to convention.

That said...

Congratulations to the gents from the Boogie Down Bronx.

Message to friends, admirers, lovers of comedy and even the haters

2007-03-07T11:53:00.000-05:00

Dear friends and random readers of my blog,

I want to share with you what I've been obsessing over for the last 3 months while I've ignored my scholarly writings.

In going with the theme, it is my great pleasure to invite you to the birth of
The Monthly Show with Aunt Flo

Please join me on the first day of Spring for a FREE evening of laughter, snickering and if we're lucky, a bit of beer through the nose.

We've got man on the street interviews, a special guest segment, original commercials, pro comic Laurie Kilmartin and a Q&A with the very wise, slightly trashy, Aunt Flo.

And gentleman - although this is an estrogen fueled production,
there won't be any men bashing or passive aggressive blame games.
In fact, we have a special surprise just for you!

I've been really fortunate to work with some very talented actors, technicians, thinkers and comics and I want you to see what we did for two productive Sundays in late February and March. Pictured is the extraordinary B.C. Hawkins - remember her name people...She will be the next Scorsese - but with much better eyebrows.

Dress up is even more fun at 34 than it was when I was 7.

Please come on out to Jimmy's at 8pm on March 21st
and raise your glass to creativity, spring and laughter!

Did you know

2007-03-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

Lemurs sleep 16 hours a day?

Any guesses as to which animal I'm coming back as?

WTF does shrove mean anyhow?

2007-02-19T10:52:00.000-05:00

(I began this entry on Monday...)

Yesterday was a strange sort of wrinkle in time. I hung out in my apartment enjoying my solitude - alternately writing, painting and lying around in my own filth.
Finally around 4pm I ventured into the shower because I was starting to find myself offensive. Those are the times when a shower feels best - that and when you're sick and stay in bed for three days.

Sadly, I shall have to leave my warm and isolated cocoon in order to finally accept that my vacuum is gone. A trip to Best Buy is in my future along with the much dreaded trip to the laundromat. If I had a laptop I could probably make that experience fun. I'd also probably end up in a fist fight with one of my entertaining "subjects".

The following fabulous photo is from my friend Toniann Scime. She and I went to high school together. Along with my friends Kat, Brenda, Amy O, Melissa and Angela we ate lunch together for four years. In that spirit, when we are all in Buffalo at Chistmas we celebrate with an annual "I can't believe we still know each other from highschool" luncheon. It always seemed cool to me but not that big of a deal... until I talked with a bunch of people who can't tell me where anyone from their past is or which jail they're in.

The body count seems to dwindle each year with familial demands, ritual sacrifice etc. I am glad to say that I haven't missed one yet. (At least not that I recall).

One of Toniann's little xmas trinkets from me was a little Buddha figure who has now taken up residency on Noah's ark. The accompanying email came with my photo - I keep meaning to show you what Buddha's been up to. I have a Noah's Ark, not out of Christian sentiment, obviously, but because I always got a kick out of the animals all "two by two" and that... That is just too fucking adorable for words. It also got me thinking - I wonder if Buddha was sad that he had no one to walk 2x2 with. But then I remembered, Buddha doesn't need to be two by two when he is at one...

Previously mentioned friend Amy O. also sent me a cute little version of my own Sponge Bob song yesterday after I told her I was going to move to a dirigible under the sea.

Who lives in a dirigible under the sea? A-me-be-eth! Absorbent and yellow and porous is she! A-me-be-eth!

I also checked in on Toniann's blog today and liked this movie quote generator so I filled in my own. I was very siked (remember when we spelled it this way?) at the one I got since it is one of my favorite movies. Do you know what its from?

I'm looking for the Army of the Twelve Amybeth.

Which movie was this quote from?

In honor of shrove Tuesday I'm going to have pancakes on Thursday. This evening, I am off to mi primita's to do some editing on the footage we shot Saturday. Yesterday I got home too late to make pancakes. Therefore pancakes on Thursday it is. I can have a shrove Thursday can't I? I mean I don't even observe Lent so I should actually get extra Christian points for doing something all Jesus like. I'll have to draw the line at ashes though.

It's that time of year where I always seem to offend someone so this year may as well not be any different. Here's some advice on standard seasonal answers. (I'll work on more later - off to Yoga!)

When people ask what you've given up for Lent - tell them simply... Lent

When asked why you have ashes on your head? You say they are the remnants of the Roast Lamb of God.

FYI:

v. shrove (shrv) or shrived, shriv·en (shrvn) or shrived, shriv·ing, shrives
v.tr.
1. To hear the confession of and give absolution to (a penitent).
2. To obtain absolution for (oneself) by confessing and doing penance.
v.intr.

And now for something previously scheduled...

2007-02-18T22:24:00.000-05:00

It wasn't an easy decision but it was a wise one...
The Monthly Show with Aunt Flo has been postponed until Wednesday, March 21 at 8pm.

When I went to speak to Jimmy about all the cool features the show will have...and how I'll need to take more time because of shooting schedules and my learning curve he was great; A little bit irritated but really understanding.

I went in for dinner this past week to smooth things over and following a big hug and a few minutes of assurances, all is copasetic.

I had the cheese plate and the beef stew. It was such a cold and windy evening that the stew hit my belly just right. And I didn't even feel bad about the cow! I usually feel guilt - either immediately or three days after the fact.
In preparation for Flo's debut I spent my Saturday afternoon with my cousin B.C. Hawkins, Ms.Emily Epstein and Kelson. We shot three of our commercial segments for the show featuring odd props and ridiculous outfits. Everything went great and if the amount of laughter from the participants is any guage, I think the audience will pee their pants.

Boys of Summer and other blather

2007-02-15T15:27:00.000-05:00

No sweeter thing could have happened on Valentine's Day than pitchers and catchers reporting.

It means far more to me than any pink plush bear or massive mylar balloon could. Yes folks, it is time for the first official sign that spring is coming (screw that Groundhog - what the hell does he know? I mean really, how can you get an honest reaction out of him with all those screaming freaks around?)

I think mostly because of what was going on with my Momma I didn't see very much baseball last year. This year will be different though. I want to go back to the Ballpark and embrace the bauty of scoring a game, drinking a (disturbingly overpriced) beer and indulging in a dirty water dog or two. My only gripe - other than Steinbrenner's overinflated tickets and concessions - no relish! Can you imagine?*

Chances are pretty good I'll spend most of my time at Shea instead for two pertinent reasons. 1. It's cheaper at Shea. 2. My best friend buys multi- packs and seems to enjoy my obnoxious company at the games. I'll also see either the Mets or (evil) Red Sox at spring training in Florida in March. I need a good soak in the sea, a few rays of sun on my milky white flesh and the motivational horror of seeing myself in a bikini.

Unfortunately, I haven't been running much lately due to an ongoing injury. We aren't sure if its STILL just shin splints or if there might be a stress fracture. Next friday I'll see Dr. Thomas Novella at the Hospital for Special Surgery (Special = does not accept insurance!). I'm beginning to think the problem is due to my orthotics.

Yesterday we got some snow and freezing rain, which sucks, but I have to say it... NYers are pussies. Granted, this is a pedestrian city so it can be a huge pain in the ass to get down the sidewalk or have patience when elevated trains don't run as fast BUT come on people. In a previous post I spoke of the badge of honor NYer's wear, and rightfully so...But I have a badge from Buffalo too and it makes me hearty, down to earth and accessible. Say what you want about Buffalo but it is in fact a City of Good Neighbors. If there's a storm, you can bet that strangers will be out helping each other dig out and uncover their cars and homes.

Monday is a day off and therefor a long weekend. Oh, I am filled with joyousness and frivolity. I plan to do absolutely nothing. I won't even get up o use the bathroom. I'll wear diapers - they seem to be very popular these days. Shame? Pshaw!

Wow...all over the place. I almost forgot.

The Monthly Show with Aunt Flo will not take place on February 21st!!! Alas, we have bitten off a huge chunk and are still chewing. The show will be jam packed with silly commercials, a pro comic you're sure to love, lots of features and of course, you'll finally get to meet Aunt Flo and seek her cousel on any manner of things on your mind.

A minimum of thirty people will make this intimate and warm space seem packed while we all remain comfy and connected. That said punks, you need to bring yo ass and show some love. Really people, if you're in the area and you don't show - the next place you'll be summoned to for a visit with me will be a state mental hospital. (Although it does look real purty there.)

*If you don't like pickles in any form, what do you know?

Sunday morning tv

2007-02-11T08:01:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through channels* this morning and came across the Oak Ridge Boys singing about God and country. It wasn't the flashy sequined stars and stripes shirts they were wearing or the patriotic strains of "these colors don't run"and other such rhetorical, sentimental and trite shite.

What really got me was the commercial within to feed some of the country's hungriest and neediest children - all of which are apparently white Southerners. Now, I'm not saying the only people we should help are children of color living in inner cities. It was just the tone of the commercial that was so racist. The population that created it truly feels that they are forgotten. And they are - by the very government they elected. The same people watching this show and spouting these empty slogans are the very people that brought you the Presidency of Tommy Boy and the horrifying sequel of Dumb and Dumber.

My point is God and country are just as important to us Godless liberals even if we're not wearing a snazzy flag ensemble or driving a pickup with a gun rack.

Oh yeah, I've also discovered that I am afraid of this Oak Ridge Boy.

*When I say channels I mean the fluke like cable situation I have. The universe of Time Warner find it amusing to torment me. I have cable internet but no cable tv. When I hooked the cable to a splitter and plugged it into my tv, an amazing thing happened. I now have TBS (Seinfeld reruns), Comedy Central (which is usually on) and Spike (CSI reruns). However, I no longer get CBS or NBC and Fox can be touchy sometimes.

That's my mo

2007-02-09T17:09:00.000-05:00

From the entry marked 2/1/07
we get this delightful comment from BGH. Anonymously transparent (and a lovable ass...)

Anonymous said...

Hooray blog girl is back. See there are more than 2 people who read this. In explaining all that you've been up to, how could you forget to mention your new part time job at the lesbian club and your first lez sex experience that happened in January. Geez, hello details.
11:56 AM

January? Ummm. Maybe January 1990!!! I did go to college, ya know. That's when us old fashioned gals "experimented". Now the kids get all gaysted and fall all over their friends and people take pictures and post them on their MySpace page.

Do you like how I just tried to play it off like I use that term all the time? Or even coined it (BGH)!!!

You really like me!

2007-02-06T09:35:00.000-05:00

How nice it was to open my email and see that not one or even two but FOUR of you had written to say that you miss my oft times nonsensical (and frequently segue-less) viewpoints.

At the time of this writing my co-worker Bob is sitting next to me eating a tongue sandwich. This is the second day in a row. He's a lovely man and I know how much he enjoys tongue but the smell of it is making my stomach turn. Seriously. And the lip smacking noises aren't helping.

So much to tell you...

First and foremost, I'm premiering a new show on February 21st at 8pm at Jimmy's No. 43 and I'm really excited! It is called "The Monthly Show with Aunt Flo" and is a satirical women's talk show. The format includes some taped segments, live interview, Q and A with Aunt Flo and other regular features I think the public will come to anticipate. So far, the show is scheduled for Jimmy's on the third Wednesday of the month but we may have to make some changes for March.

We went out in the freezing fecking cold last weekend and did some of the man on the street interviews in front of the Brooklyn Museum. I feel pretty certain the corner where the museum sits is the crossroads of every major wind moving through the area at any given time. Talk about frosty nips. Egads, man!

I'm super fortunate to be working with comedians who are really talented and have great ideas: The witty and rather adorable, Ms. Emily Epstein, the incomparable Elon James White, the quirky-cool Raquel D'Apice and the hilariously outlandish Desiree Burch. In addition, my dear friend Kelson, will be functioning as the grip/stage manager. Ms. Kelson has an amazing analytical eye, forward thinking vision and the logistics to figure out what my addled brain cannot. I'm really happy that we're finally working on a project together here in NYC. Back in the day I was Kelson's stage manager when she directed "Luv", was directed by her in "A Light in the Village" and co-starred with her in many drunken adventures throughout the United States and some of Europa!

I just made final plans for a trip to Florida in midMarch which I am super-psyched for. As much as Ilike snow I'm not a big fan of the really low temps and can't wait to let some sunshine hitthis pasty body. I just need enough of a tan to make it look like I took 5 lbs off my ass.

Anyhow, seems like we're off to a decent start. Maybe if I'm more realistic about the blog this time, I'll be more regular about the posting. That said, don't expect something new every day and you just might get it :)

For those of you few faithful (my secret admirer included)...thanks so much for continuing to check in and for encouraging me to keep writing.

A small token of my thanks...

Fine. Walk away. See if I care

2007-02-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

Well, it would seem 2 out of 3 of you do care. I've been recently made aware that my witticisms and random musing actually entertain some people. Well, Amy and Sarah anyhow.

I've been recovering form Christmas when I spent a bleak week in Buffalo missing my Mom, my little apartment and the sense of freedom that NYC gives me. I still love my home. I just have a harder time going there since my Momma's passing.

I also find myself referring to NY as home now and meaning it; It only took 6 years! That's right folks, I just celebrated my 6 year anniversary in NYC on January 2. For some, that doesn't seem like a big deal but it really is. I often say, and most folks I know here agree, that living in NYC is like a job on top of your job. We wear our residency like a badge of accomplishment. Let's be honest man, it can be hard work!

As a (hermit) crab, home is of the utmost importance and finally feeling like I have roots and friends and projects here is a triumph for me. I'm also so far from the life I lived in Buffalo that it would be impossible to go back (at least with those expectations).

So on top of my very obvious and possibly elementary psychological observations, I've also been working on a new show.

Details to come ...

Honest.

Young Lady! Where have you been?

2006-11-30T15:08:00.000-05:00

I've just returned from a lengthy and restful sojourn in a parallel universe.

There has been some guilt though, dear reader, whilst we were separated. There were quite a few days where I wanted to check in with you - but I knew I'd just be stringing you along. I can't make the daily writing committment right now.

I realize that you all must have missed me terribly as demonstrated by the outpouring of email I received (thank you, Sarah)as well as numerous daily bitchy remarks from BGH.

A few things that caught my eye while I was away.

First up is this email from my Godmother, Pam.

A WORD FROM THE WISE

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest(dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News,

and found it quite interesting in light of our current debates.

The quote reads:

Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message

from a Native American Indian Chief on a reservation:

"Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."

The company I work for relocated from our offices in the "high profile" Citicorp Center (named one of the top ten NYC terror targets 3 years running!)to a much less noticable building on Park Avenue. The saddest part of this move (other than not seeing my friends who work for the Building)is that I'm farhter from CVS where I used to peruse the greeting card aisle. It also means I see Francisco less (he's the greeter at the CVS on 53rd and Lex). I also liked pointing to the NY skyline and saying I work in "that big one with the slanted roof."

In other work related news, I received a corporate sponsored flu shot on Tuesday. Some may call me paranoid but I have very little doubt that I was injected with a small monitoring microchip. As it stands there are tons of cameras covering the expanse of our 6 floors making sure no one can steal fruit or find a place to nap. Knowing I am being obseerved has only made me masteurbate more and make strange animal noises whenever I find myself in an enclosed space. It makes the elevator so much more fun.

Some favorite headlines/stories for the week are as follows:

US Troops Using Donated Silly String For Bomb Detection In Iraq
(excerpt)

STRATFORD, N.J. (AP) -- In an age of multimillion-dollar high-tech weapons systems, sometimes it's the simplest ideas that can save lives. Which is why a New Jersey mother is organizing a drive to send cans of Silly String to Iraq.

American troops use the stuff to detect trip wires around bombs, as Marcelle Shriver learned from her son, a soldier in Iraq.

Before entering a building, troops squirt the plastic goo, which can shoot strands about 10 to 12 feet, across the room. If it falls to the ground, no trip wires. If it hangs in the air, they know they have a problem. The wires are otherwise nearly invisible.

But I like this one best

Jenna Bush To Spend Christmas With New Unemployed Argentinean Boyfriend...

But there's little doubt that this one is the best. Bum Luck: OC janitor owns world’s most expensive broken dildo.

This evening I'm off to the Harvard Club, with Kelson, Tony and BGH for our annual work Xmas Party. Free food and booze - how can I complain?

I'll post a pretty little pic afterwards.

You'll get nothing and like it.

2006-10-30T12:13:00.000-05:00

Please accept my most humble apologies...

I am lazy and have poor time management skills.

I'm rehearsing for Project Playwright and putting stuff together for Still Standing on this Wednesday 11/1. I've also been jumping rope, learning lines, entertaining out of towners and running as much as I can.

Please entertain yourselves and I'll be back in a few more days to astound you with random observations and what I believe to be newsworthy topics (Such as this one which I've subtitled, "Has anyone seen my gloc?")

In the meantime, feel free to write nasty messages to Rush Limbaugh questioning his expertise on Prescription Drug Dosing for Parkinson's or better yet ask him the optimum dosage for his AARP weekend party kit - Oxycontin and Viagra.

What a piece of shit...

Wish I may...

2006-10-17T17:26:00.000-04:00

Wish I might...

wish myself into this picture.

It's been a crazy week filled with family, tourism, cocktails, marriage vows and babies.

That's about the only excuse I have for not updating you, dear reader, on the minutia of my life.

I'll be posting pictures in the next week of my cousin's wedding on the beach juxtaposed with photos of the recently FEMA-visited Buffalo.

In the interim I'm going to sleep in my bed again - my couch is not a good sleeping couch...

rehearse (and get off book) for Rope Tricks

get some material together for tomorrow night's show at Jimmy's No.43.

Then I'm going to smoke some rock and put my feet up in my fuzzy monkey socks.

I Represent Victim # 26,936

2006-10-09T12:40:00.000-04:00

It's easy to forget how lucky we all are. I mean, everything is relative so its easy to get stuck in your own head and lament the things that haevn't gone your way - both emotionally and in the material realm.

When I was a kid, I knew we were broke but I didn't think we were poor. We did live below the poverty level but there were kids I knew much worse off than I was. When the electricity would get turned off, Mom would remind us that there were people in the world, in our country, in my city that didn't even have homes. If they turned off the gas, we'd all huddle in the livingroom in front of the fireplace and pretend we were camping. Compared to the doorless shacks I saw people living in in Antigua, I knew I was really lucky or the family of 7 with a single Mom around the corner, for that matter.

This doesn't mean I didn't whine for an entire year about being the only girl at school who didn't have a pair of Jordache jeans.

I guess my point is it is always good to keep in mind that when something goes wrong or your situation seems dire, there is always someone out there that has it worse.

And in the case of Darfur - worse on a level we can barely begin to imagine.

Please take a moment or two to fill in one of these forms and send your support and/or money to

Darfur genocide.org
Save Darfur.org
Human Rights Watch
International Rescue Committee
Amnesty International

If you find yourself feeling apathetic or like you're only one small voice, please look at these photos.

We are all just random cells clumped together and should look out for each other, dammit... By the luck of the draw I was born here and I'm thankful for that.

Let's play make believe

2006-10-08T15:38:00.000-04:00

I auditioned for a short play festival two weeks or so ago and I was cast. Hooray. Best of all, I'll be directed by my very own BGH who I have a great working relationship with.

It will be so good to do some theatre again and it will delay my decision between a job in corrections and an otolaryngologist's assistant.

Project Playwright II
November 14-19, 2006
Tuesday - Saturday at 8PM
Saturday & Sunday at 3PM
Access Theater
380 Broadway 4th floor (between Walker and White just south of Canal)

Updates to follow.

Reptilian Dilemma

2006-10-05T16:48:00.000-04:00

I know there are people who don't agree with keeping pets - especially outside the realm of cat or dog. Truth be told, if I could do it all over I probably wouldn't get a snake, much less one that is a carnivore and eats live prey.

When my snake came to live with me it was known as Nick Junior. I bought it from my next door neighbor Nick, after he'd outgrown her and moved on to a crocodile.

I'd had a Ball Python in college, named Falcor and he got mouth rot and died. Prior to his death, he suffered terribly while I stupidly continued to believe I could heal him. He was tube fed, given shots and had his mouth cleaned out 3x everyday with a gross soapy solution. Poor creature.

Back to Nick Junior... Off I went to the vet to make sure this snake was healthy. After being weighed and measured (In 1996, length 6'and 19.6lbs) the snake was probed to determine the sex. Alas, Nick Junior, who I had renamed Seamus was missing the soft penile folds that would have made him a Seamus.

It was then that I embarked on a campaign to find a new, perfect, female name for my snake. I chose two mythical Goddesses - Rhiannon, a Welsh crone and Persephone from the popular Greek myth, explaining the seasons. I wrote both names on a piece of paper and put them about 6 feet away from the snake and let her go. I felt she should have some part in her naming. My brother Matt wasn't very fond of the name Persephone and later admitted that he nudged her a little bit with his foot when I wasn't looking. This is how Rhiannon came to be my snake.

When I moved to NYC my roommates wanted nothing to do with a 6 foot Constrictor in the house (pussies!) so I was forced to leave her with her uncle. It is now 5 years later and she's finally coming to live with me!

The only obstacle - finding a reptile enclosure that will give her adequate space while not taking up half of my apartment. I've found a number of great habitats but seem to be short by about 2800 dollars. My brother and made plans for a new condo for Rhiannon, complete with trees to climb and then he went and bought a house. The nerve! Now he's busy making repairs to his own home. Hmpfh! Like his gutters can't wait?

If anyone knows where I can find a home for my little serpent with the following restrictions, I'd be most grateful.

Nothing institutional - I don't want it to look like a big plastic box you'd find in a petstore.

Nothing over 350 dollars.

An enclosure that is preferably tall rather than wide, as she is arboreal and I'm short on space.

Appropriate heating elements and a floor space large enough for her to bask and soak.

Relatively easy to clean.

Escape proof!

Keep your fingers crossed, people. I'm looking forward to wandering down Hoyt Avenue, in a tank top, tatts exposed with my snake draped around my shoulders. It might just be the thing to get me access to the "boys club" by Crescent Street. Men love a ballsy broad!

AB Carney's Day Off

2006-10-03T15:51:00.000-04:00

Though I am overcome with my own phlegm, have a swollen gland and screwed up sinus cavity on the left side of my head, I am not deathly ill. So I'm not completely playing hooky.

I really enjoyed today. I think I'm happiest puttering about my own space.

After getting back from my sister's on Sunday, I proceeded to lie on the couch for four hours having fitful dreams and sweating a few pints of the remaining fluid in my body. I went in to work Monday morning because my coworkers wanted to celebrate their Hebrewness. I'm not antisemitic, I'm just annoyed with Christmas tholics and Yom Kippur Jews. You know who I mean. The people that like to tell you what to do based on a faith they don't actually practice with any sort of devout behavior.

Back to my happiness...

A crab is always happiest when her home is in some sense of order, with all the elements of family, friends and familiar treasures around. I haven't made it to my desk top yet but I did manage to put away all my laundry which is something I hate almost as much as doing laundry. After coffee and a brief IM session with my BGH, I rearranged the furniture in the livingroom, repotted a few plants, read a new short play I'm doing in November. Incidentally BGH is the director (hmmm...) Then I had a stellar two hour nap.

As always I thank those of you that are just bored enough to acually read my drivel.

Stay tuned as I begin a new weekly feature entry in an attempt to motivate the tiniest bit of discipline in regard to my next incarnation as a writer... of pornographic fiction.

I suddenly want spurs

2006-09-26T17:16:00.000-04:00

When considering other states I'd like to live in, I have to say Texas is at or near the bottom of the list. I'm honest enough to admit that many of this is based on thin prejudicial ideas of the Lone Star state and its inhabitants. I'm sure all the people can't be superficial, racist yahoos.

OK. Settle down people.

I found this gent on the internet a few years back while searching for something "new and unusual" to give my friend Kelson as a birthday gift. Thus, Kinky Friedman became a favorite link in my habitual internet surfing.

For those of you who don't know, Kinky Friedman is a straight shooting independent candidate for Governor of Texas.

Q: What is Kinky's position on gay marriage?
A: Kinky supports gay marriage and equal rights for homosexuals. He believes that the constitution protects everyone. As he says, "I believe love is bigger than government. And besides, they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us."

Statements like these make me want to pack up and leave New York. Elliot Spitzer just doesn't inspire me like this. In fact, I can't remember the last time I really had any fire in my belly about any candidate. How sad is that? I don't get any inspiration from politics anymore - just rage and disgust.

On the optimistic side, I find it a thing of beauty that there may be someone in (any)office with an actual sense of humor and a sense of justice.

Kinky Friedman for president in 2016?!?!

I always wanted a stalker

2006-09-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

My sense of privacy and safety has been shattered. Some twisted freak snuck into my apartment and left this message for me by my keyboard.

I have no choice but to begin more frequent postings before I'm bludgeoned with the rock pictured above.

Have you ever...

2006-09-23T23:30:00.000-04:00

seen a cuter picture?
Look at these beautiful babies!!!

I'm off to visit them and help my sister hang on to the one shard of sanity she's managed to save. This means a 2 day work week! and then 4 days of small people using me as a jungle gym.

BeelzeBush?

2006-09-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

Hugo Chavez: "They say they want to impose a democratic model. But that's their democratic model. It's the false democracy of elites, and, I would say, a very original democracy that's imposed by weapons and bombs and firing weapons. What a strange democracy. Aristotle might not recognize it or others who are at the root of democracy. What type of democracy do you impose with marines and bombs?"

Whether you like Chavez or not...he makes a good point.

And now for something ... a little less angry

2006-09-15T16:49:00.000-04:00

Brevity has returned. I'm thoroughly medicated and of no danger to any of you or myself.

Rain, rain, go away come again on an off game day (Like NY vs Tampa Bay - who cares?).
This evening I have a ticket to see the Yanks vs. the Sox with Lenny, Pedro and Tony but I have little faith that the game is going to happen. They'll let us all schlepp our asses up to the Bronx and get rained on only to turn us away without nary a sip of overpriced beer or the adrenaline of the best rivalry in baseball.

In other news I have a show coming up - woohoo!

It's only creative thing I seem to do all month so please come and contribute to my piddly drops of remaining self worth.

In all seriousness, last month's show was so much fun.

We're trying to mix things up a little so they'll be a short comedic film brought to you by the New Normal, music from Shayna Ferm, a "quick" reading of a new piece by an up and coming playwright and the comedic stylings of Will McKinley, Carolyn Castiglia, Matt Little and Nick Turner.

And as always, I'll be your lovely host, modeling the latest apparel from Fashion Week (in Latvia).

Still Standing Jimmy's No.43 Wednesday September 20, 2006 8pm.

Despite all my rage...

2006-09-13T14:59:00.000-04:00

I am still just a rat in a cage.

Or should I say an undervalued member of the least respected department at my company. All the more reason for me to embrace the classism that kept me so warm as a child when Niagara Mohawk would shut off our heat.

It amazes me the sense of entitlement and obliviousness of the people who have people working under them. Granted this is a rather general statement and therefore I'm sure there are exceptions. I just wonder, when did we transform from a country that values hard work to one that is so snobby and spoiled that anyone working manual labor or in a support capacity is respected as little more than a trained monkey.

I know this can't possibly be true though, because I have a lip service tape embedded in my brain. When my circuitry gets jammed up with silly ideas about moving elsewhere or paying my rent in some other way, I feel a jolt and immediately fall in line.

I am a necessary part of a team! A soul sucking, life crushing team of people who could give a shit about me or my dreams.

Zzzzap! There. All better now. zzzzap!

Secret recipe

2006-09-11T16:48:00.001-04:00

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, my loving BGH sometimes refers to me as "rat breath". I was previously inclined to believe the reason for this was just to be a catty bitch (in a fun loving way, of course!) Now I think I've discovered a painful truth.

Last Thursday I stopped home before going to BGH's and ate some baba ghanouj and triscuits. Many people make baba ghanouj but only Wegman's makes it jaw droppingly, tongue droolingly tasty. Many of you know, I'd rather drive nails through my skull or do laundry than go grocery shopping. However, Wegman's is the only grocery store I actually don't mind shopping in.

Anyhow, back to my rambling about rat breath.

Wegman's baba ghanouj packs a wicked whallop of garlic so I brushed my teeth twice and used Listerine but I still had a citrus mint/garlic taste in my mouth. I lit a cigarette when I got in the car because like some, driving and smoking naturally go together. As you can imagine, this made the flavor in my mouth something like garlicky butt combined with burning shrubbery and traces of cough syrup.

In an effort to keep from frightening Liz, who I was just about to meet, I grab the lone piece of Peppermint Bubble Yum sitting in the middle console of the
car. I chewed it for a few minutes, cringing, when I remembered that I'd spilled an air freshener in the car some 6 months back. It was the kind of air freshener you only buy when there's nothing left - the sickly sweet floral scent that emanates from the homes of the elderly.

By the time I arrived at BGH's garden party I was nauseous from the taste in my mouth and afraid to talk to anyone who was less than five feet away.

So for the rest of that night I decided to embrace my moniker and eat Doritos, drink beer, smoke cigarettes and eat cupcakes.

Needless to say, I slept alone.

Goin to the chapel...

2006-09-08T07:15:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I journeyed to Buffalo to officiate a wedding. It was as rainy as grey in Ruff Buff as in NYC but the rain held out for the ceremony. I think the highlight for me was the cute little Catholic priest who complimented me on my work at the reception. I was especially flattered after looking out into a very old school, mostly Italian crowd that were clearly wondering what the hell a broad was doing standing up there.

This weekend, amidst last minute calligraphy on about 100 place cards, I'm headed to Maine for the first time. I'm really excited and looking forward to getting away from New York for some place cleaner and quieter. The wedding is at a resort about an hour North of Portland in Casco Bay. I'm determined to go in the water no matter the temperature!

In other news... I've purchased a new haircare product that will prove to be difficult for BGH to hide. It's an enormous can of Root Pump and it sort of looks like an airhorn. I visited his new apartment last night with Tony, BGH and his friend Liz who is in town from Raleigh representin'in an Aveda hair show this weekend. She was so nice and funny AND she offered to make me a little Aveda sample grab bag while she's here! Hooray, I like free things that smell and feel good.

It was good to meet one of BGH's closest friends and sit in his lovely backyard, nibbling on cheese, and trying to avoid a seizure from Rob's "fag lights".

I'll be back on Monday. Have a great weekend!

From the cradle to the grave...

2006-09-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

Please welcome Mason Andrew Scheelar to the Carney Clan! My newest nephew arrived on Sunday evening around 2am. When my sister left for the hospital my nephew Hunter said to her, “Good luck Mommy. I hope you have your baby today.” I thought that was just about the cutest thing I ever heard.

Aunt Amy will head to Maryland to bond with the newest little squish at the end of September. I will also wrangle the midgets...

Alas, I have no picture as of yet to show you. You can see my nephew when everyone else does – 6 months from now when Annie Leibovitz and Vanity Fair team up to bring you his first photo shoot.

I’d like to share my sadness at the news of Steve Irwin’s death. I first heard of Steve Irwin when my brother very animatedly described a nature show he watched with this crazy, funny, Australian guy. He proceeded to do an impression of the crocodile hunter where he kept poking his fingers inside the lair of a komodo dragon who was getting increasingly pissed off. He then remarked that if the animal could manuever itself inside the cave, it could turn around and "take the skin right off my finger!" It was the matter of fact way he said it that was so endearing.

I think he was an all too rare creature in this day and age. Steve irwin embodied passion, ethics and enthusiasm. I hope his legacy will be carried on through the kids and kid-like adults (like me) who he inspired to appreciate, respect and conserve wildlife and their environments.

You snooze you lose

2006-08-29T09:01:00.000-04:00

I've often wondered what it would be like to be a narcoleptic? Or better yet, have a narcoleptic friend? Just think of all the fun tricks you could play.

If they pass out while you're sharing a meal, you can eat half of what's on their plate. If they fall asleep when you have to fart, you have someone to blame who can't refute it. ("You must've let one slip during your relaxing nap.") If they fall asleep anywhere near a Sharpee you can walk down the street with Charlie Chaplin, Frankenstein or Adolf Hitler.

There's a very strong possibility that I am being overly presumptious. Perhaps the person wakes up with a perfect memory of what's happened prior to their trip to dreamland... and awakens only to beat you with a rather large stick. I may never know. Sigh.

I told BGH that I'd like a narcoleptic friend and he said, "Ewwww, that's gross. Isn't that someone who sleeps with dead people? or is it someone who compulsively steals?"

Good thing he's pretty...

The streets of Tijuana

2006-08-25T17:23:00.000-04:00

The photo above was in the Travel section of the NY Times today. It was brought to my attention bny my co-worker Charles. As it has been a disturbingly quiet Friday at the office Charles decided to make up some captions for the photo. Let me know which one you like best. I know my favorite.

1. Suffering from severe Tequila goggles, Jose takes his date home for some "Mexican Lovin".
2. Pedro heads to the farmacia to for some meds to clear up those pesky stripes on his ass.
3. "FREE ZEBRA SEMEN, SELF SERVE!"
4. Rita eyed the zebra and fondly remembered her days on stage.
5. Drained from 5 consecutive shows, "El Diablo" heads back to his barn with his tamer, Diego "softhands" Perez.

Creative Help Needed!!!

2006-08-25T09:43:00.000-04:00

I picked up my bib and chip yesterday for the NYC Half Marathon. I am ridiculously excited. But here's where I need from you all...

Nike is personalizing our shirts for FREE and I don't know what to put on mine!

I'm only allowed 15 characters including spaces. There can only be one line of text, numbers and punctuation only. No stacking of lines.

Looking for creative and/or inspirational suggestions - by 1PM the latest!!!

And by the way...I just found out the last anonymous comment giving me shit for finally posting something wasn't from Rob. So, which one of you is the smart ass who wants to play? :)

Mooooove over tofu?

2006-08-24T15:38:00.000-04:00

About a year ago I started eating meat again after 15 years. I was craving it and that had never happened before. I assumed that I was lacking in something and my body was letting me know.

However, I seem to be waffling back and forth lately about whether or not I want to go back to being a vegetarian. I told you all about the excellent burger I had at Sonia and Ed's. Then I was invited to have a burger with my friend Mo to celebrate her bday(Happy Birthday Maureen!). I was pretty excited about the evening and our meal at Corner Bistro which I've heard has incredible burgers.

I ended up in Yonkers, brushing, petting, feeding and playing with Kelson's cats (Darwin and Dashiell).

The following is Mo's informal review of the Corner Bistro Burger.

CarneyMoon22 (9:43:22 AM): How was your burger!?
Brklynangel7 (9:44:06 AM): hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm good
CarneyMoon22 (9:44:34 AM): as good as you'd heard?
Brklynangel7 (9:44:36 AM): and its such a little dive - it was awesome! If my dad is in town this weekend I might take him there
Brklynangel7 (9:45:36 AM): There is a lot of hype about Corner Bistro - and its a yummy burger - but at the end of the day - its just a burger. So expectations were met - did it live up to the hype - eh who knows!

There you have it folks...an honest, straightforward assessment of prepared cow, on a bun, in the village.

Little Hermit

2006-08-21T17:15:00.000-04:00

BGH is pissed! I got several threatening emails today regarding the absence of new posts in the past week.

This weekend was very productive for me. I ran ten miles with Tony on Saturday. Surprisingly my legs weren't as sore as I thought they'd be. Today I do 5 miles, 3 tomorrow, 5 on Thursday and then time off until the half marathon on Sunday.

Later I crashed on the couch and watched Fun With Dick and Jane. Not a great flick but I liked the message in it very much. The credits were the most clever thing about it. I'd be interested to see the 1977 version with Jane Fonda and George Segal.

Later I picked up my friend Eben in Bklyn and we headed to the farthest reaches of Queens for my friend's Sonia and Ed's 4th Annual Colossal Caliente Cookout and pool party. There, I had the third hamburger I've had in 15 years and definitely the best. It was so good I was mooing by the end of the party.

Sunday was my productive day wherein I became determined to find the floor in my bedroom and the surface of my desk. I also caulked the shower, polished silver and organized my Vitamins and OTC medicine bin.

As I read back over that, I wanted to stab myself repeatedly at what has become of my life. Then I realized, I'm perfectly happy puttering around and organizing my home... and I'm happier when everything is in its place.

Somewhat UnNote-Worthy News

2006-08-15T16:20:00.000-04:00

After a week of my absence I'm sure you're all (3) huddled in your cubicles trying to figure out what you will use as a substitute for the 3-5 minute window I normally fill.

Fear not...

I am back with little blurbs about what has passed in my little sphere and what's to come.

First up, I've just returned from a much needed sojourn into the woods to commune with nature. (Rob, I just threw up a little in my mouth.) My surprise bday gift from Kelson was a camping trip and white water rafting expedition! Friday after work, Tony, Kel, BGH and I headed through Nueva Jersey for the Barryville Base of the Upper Delaware River.

What I enjoyed most was assuming my usual role as "Sister Fire". After reaching camp, I jumped out of GiGi (Kelson's car)with my firewood and matches and began to gather kindling. I made scrambled eggs, toast and swine the first morning and pancakes the next. I also made the campers call me "CookY" for the weekend.

The rafting trip was an adventure... to say the least. BGH had some pretty funny remarks, most of which had to do with how he really enjoyed the first two scenic miles but was ready to take the van back to camp after the river kept twisting to reveal more river. The highlight came after we thought we were done, only to find out our launch was another mile and a half away. Rob tipped his head back and yelled, "Damn you river!" and I could clearly envision him in black and white wearing a head scarf and cat eye glasses.

In other news Yay for Yao! - I read this story about a week ago and it made me feel better.

As some of you may or may not know, I LOVE sharks. My favorite is the black tipped reef shark but I think they're all pretty fascinating.

I'll never forget going to the Niagara Aquarium with my uncle and cousin Kate and practically crying at the shark use exhibit. I was disgusted that nowhere in the display was there any information about the supreme importance of the shark's role in the health of our oceans. Worse still is the cruel death these sharks endure. They are dragged to the side of the boat, finned and tossed back to the ocean floor. Without water passing through their gills, it is only a matter of time before they suffocate.

This is a shameful and unnecessary waste of an animal's life with no respect for its sacrifice. If an animal is to be killed, let it be in a humane way, using all of its parts with a sense of reverence for the life force and for your own place in the food chain.

OK. deep breath. soap box removed.

Wow, That girl loves her some fishes...

Tick tock, tick tock. 12 more days til I run the first ever NYC Nike Half Marathon. I'll be running with my sister, the over-achiever, at least for the first few miles.

View the inaugural NYC Half-Marathon Presented by NIKE from a NIKE Cheering Zone on Sunday, August 27, and you'll have a great view of your friends, family, and some of the worlds fastest runners and enjoy entertainment, coffee, and breakfast treats.

Ooh! Breakfast treats!

NIKE Cheering Zone 1 at Central Park South and Seventh Avenue will have on-stage entertainment and traditional New York breakfast foods.
NIKE Cheering Zone 2, at West 44th Street and Seventh Avenue in Times Square, entertainment will include a performance by Broadway show stars and breakfast.
NIKE Cheering Zone 3, at Canal Street and the West Side Highway, a DJ will entertain while NIKE serves up fresh waffles. mmm. waffles. The proceeds from all coffee and breakfast sales will go directly to a New York City charity.

yes, but which one?

To plan your morning, see a course map, and perhaps come cheer me on (Oh yeah - and the other athletes) who will battle for $60,000 in prize money, click here. I'll be lucky if I get 6 pennies, pelted at me by a homeless man I'm panting past at 7:30am.

Well that's all the news unfit to print. I'm off to smoke cigarettes and drink pomegranate juice. I'm concerned about free radicals, you see.

Today's email from BGH

2006-08-08T20:35:00.000-04:00

BGH:Mel Gibson and I are going, does anyone want to go with us?

AB: The Rabbi Schwartzman and Jackie Mason will attend as my guests.

No, no, don't speak. Don't speak. Please don't speak.

2006-08-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

Please let someone famous do something horrible or embarassing in the next few hours. I can read no more about Mel Gibson or the heatwave in the Tri-state area. It's hot and Mel Gibson is an anti-semite. We get it already. If you have nothing else to report - don't speak.

Unless of course mainstream media feels its time to really address global warming (instead of merely suggesting it might be a cause of record temperatures across the US), the environmental impact of Israeli Hezbollah clashes in Lebanon, Rumsfeld's incredibly busy schedule or George Bush's staggering incompetence and embarrassing behavior.

In the meantime, it's back to go fug yourself.

No place like home...

2006-08-02T13:24:00.000-04:00

YOU GOTTA LOVE NEW YORK WOMEN!!!

My friend Stephanie sent me this the other day and I feel it captures the spirit and friendliness of the women of NYC...

A woman from New York and another woman were seated side-by-side on an
airplane.

The woman from New York, being friendly and all, said: "So, where are you
from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from New York sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"

One Million 500 Thousand Pounds

2006-07-31T23:35:00.000-04:00

Imagine my surprise when I found this fortuitous missive in my inbox...

The U.K. National Lottery
Online Lottery Promo Dept.
Customer Service.
PO Box 1010 Liverpool,
L70 1NL United Kingdom.

Date of Notification: 31-07-2006

Ref N0: KPL/09-002/JA.
Batch N0:P2/0056.

Attn: Winner.

We happily bring to your notice the results of the U.K. National Lottery annual draw held on the 28th of July 2006 in London. The online lotto draws was conducted from an exclusive list of 50,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet.

Congratulations!

Your e-mail address attached to the Batch N0:P2/0056 with Serial number:06/1055 drew 28-07-06 [5] [11] [13] [17] [14] [48] [25], which subsequently won you a prize in the category “B”. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £1,500,000.00 (One Million ,
Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) in cash credited to file Ref N0: KPL/09-002/JA.

This prize is from a total cash prize of £4,500,000.00 (Four Million, Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) shared amongst the first Three (3) lucky winners in this grand category 'B'. This year Lottery program Jackpot is the largest ever for the UK National Lottery. The estimated £35,000,000.00 (Thirty Five Million Great British Pounds) jackpot would be the sixth-biggest in the U.K. history next year (2007).

The Lowest was the £4,000,000.00 (Four Million Great British Pounds) jackpot that was shared between Four (4) lucky winners in January 2005 draw of the Big Game Mega Millions' predecessor.

For security reasons, be advised to keep your winning information from public notice until your claims is processed and your prize money remitted to you as required in this grand category “B' terms and conditions of claims. This is a part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by non winners.

Please note that, your lucky winning number: [5] [11] [13] [17] [14] [48] [25] falls within our European Booklet representative office in London as indicated in our play Coupon. In view of this, your £1,500,000.00 (One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) would be released to you by our affiliate bank.

Our approved agent, Mr. Phil Smith will immediately commence on the processing of your claims, to facilitate the release of your Winnings to you as soon as you make contact with him.

Please be advised as follows: To file for your claim, kindly contact our certified and accredited claims agent with the information below:
*******************************************
Name: Phil Smith
E-mail: phl_smith1@post.com
Claims processing agent
For: The U.K National Lottery.
*******************************************
You are advised to provide him with the following information:

Names:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:

Note that, all claims processes and clearance procedures must be duly completed early to avoid impersonation and or double claiming.

To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please quote your Reference and Batch numbers in any correspondences with our designated agent.

Congratulations once more from all members and staff of the U.K National Lottery Promo.

Yours Faithfully,

Mrs. Patricia Spencer.
Online Co-ordinator
UK National Lottery Promo

Top 10 Things I'm Using My Prize Winnings For

1. Pay off my credit card debt. I hate feeling like I'm under the thumb of a corporate entity.
2. 5,000 Cases of POM cherry pomegranate juice
3. a cottage by the sea
4. a trip to Ireland, England, Italy, France and Spain with my family, BGH, Tony, Marcie
5. central air
6. an inground pool I design myself.
7. a normally shaped pelvic bone
8. my family close by
9. a revolution in America
10. black cherry blowpops.

I left Phil several messages and his assistant assures me that he'll get back to me as soon as returns from his country estates.

And I ran...

2006-07-29T19:31:00.000-04:00

As of Saturday, I have guaranteed entry into the ING NYC Marathon 2007. I did my ninth qualifying race on a sweltering Saturday morning at Shea Stadium. Maureen was in attendance as well. My Uncle Tommy, Tony and my cousin Kate were there to cheer me on.
I have to say, running into the stadium, the warning track crunching underneath my heels, was a real rush.

Now that I don't have to run any more races I can concentrate on training for the half on August 27th.

You might be a hater if...

2006-07-28T17:27:00.000-04:00

Am I a bad person for finding amusement in Lindsay Lohan's very public scolding?
Am I even worse because I laughed harder when I saw the letter was cc'd to her Mommy?

I thought I looked like my mother...

2006-07-26T09:10:00.000-04:00

After reading an early morning blurb of non-news about how Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will be memorialized in wax for Tussauds I clicked on this story.

I mean how could I go through an entire Wednesday without knowing who my inner celebrity is?

I uploaded two of my headshots and watched as a groovy graphic "scanned" my photo. Apparently it utilizes algorithms to compare the photo with the faces of 3200 different "famous people from around world". All in all, it was a fun time for about 5 minutes.

I was a little disappointed that when I scanned a non-smiling photo of myself I had no matches, which goes to show celebrities are too freakin happy. (excluding the super sexy, seemingly angry, aforementioned Ms. Rodriguez.)

Some of my "smiling" matches included Elizabeth Hurley, Michelle Rodriguez, Avril Lavigne, Marcia Cross, Priyanka Chopra (the baddest Indian broad - hands down), Patsy Cline and Nick Carter (I'm hoping this will make me popular amongst the "tween girl" set).

Best of all, I've upped my chipper, carefree quotient by matching up to perenially perky Reese Witherspoon.

I don't know about you, America, but Reese is definitely my sweetheart.

How can I go wrong

2006-07-22T07:12:00.000-04:00

when I was remembered by my brothers and sisters at Prison Talk?

to me 1:01 am (5 hours ago)

Hello NYCAB,

We at Prison Talk would like to wish you a happy birthday today!

Twas the night...

2006-07-21T17:18:00.000-04:00

before my birthday and all through my pants, not an ass hair was itching to make me half prance.

I couldn't help it... rhyming should always involve something gross and body related.

I'll be 34 years old tomorrow at 12:50pm. I still feel like I'm somewhere between 12 and 26 depending on the day. Whatever that means.

In all honesty I usually get a little bonkers around my birthday. I make people gather with me somewhere and guilt them into buying me liquor. I tell random strangers who couldn't care less that it's my birthday and sometimes ask them to sing to me.

But it feels different this year. I feel different. (cue Sinead

I'm calmer. I'm sadder and more joyful. I'm taking better care of my body and my heart. I'm always learning :)

Even when my Mom couldn't really talk anymore, I'd still call the nursing home on my birthday. I'd ask whoever answered the phone to tell my Mom I was calling to say thank you and I love her. It's our day and I want to wake up and get a hug from her.

I think about my Momma - the woman she was 34 years ago, so young, and with two girls already when I arrived. I can see her sipping coffee and smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table, wearing her cat eye glasses, cutoff shorts and Dr. Scholl's sandals.

Instead I'll be running 4 miles in Central Park at 8:30am.

If it isn't raining when I get home I'll grab the paper and some coffee and go sit by the water.

Later, Kelson and I are having dinner and I'm really psyched about that. She's been working tons of hours and I've been a bit of a hermit as of late. So an evening of great food, wine and inevitable giggling and embarrassing behavior. Always a good time.

Happy weekend y'all.

Beer here!

2006-07-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

Don't forget - Tonight at 8pm at Jimmy's No.43

STILL STANDING

Join me and my BGH, Rob...

for storytelling, music, beer and funny mutherfuckers.

Awe struck and Aw shucks

2006-07-18T23:43:00.000-04:00

Well, I shook the hand of Paul Mooney. That was a highlght for me since I really respect the man and the type of material he does. I also got to do 2 minutes of material and made him raise an eyebrow and nod in agreement (political material). He also smiled and chuckled lightly at a couple nipple/tattoo jokes. (Yes, the very same jokes I've been doing for 3 years!)

The class itself was a bit of a disappointment. I was expecting (as per the class description) that we would work on the anatomy of a joke and how to make the pinchline worth the set up etc. Instead he told stories about working and playing with Richard Pryor. He also talked a little about Eddie Murphy, Redd Foxx, Flip Wilson and Moms Mabley. One f the anecdotes he shared I found pretty feckin funny. he said he was being interviewed on CNN and the woman asked him if it bothered him when white people use the word nigger. paul replied that it didn't bother him. She kept pushing, trying to get some admission out of him. Finally, she said, "well, why doesn't it bother you when white people say the word nigger.?"

Paul replied,"Because I like a little salt on my cracker."

hehehehhhehehehehe.

Toward the very end, ten people (out of the way-overbooked) class were given a chance to do 2 minutes. However, this turned out to be a contest of sorts with the winner getting stage time at Caroline's. My preference would have been to get a critique of the material detailing strengths and weaknesses and pointers to keep from sucking.

I'm not even going to get into my annoyance with the Learning Annex. Suffice it to say, they packed too many of us in a room, with little air conditioning during the hottest week in NYC.

I wouldn't recommend or take this class again but I did enjoy being in the presence of such a comedic legend and hearing some cool stories of days gone by.

In summary...

2006-07-17T17:43:00.000-04:00

The official word is that my PC is in tip top shape. However I still have no picture on my monitor at all. Sigh.

I never realized how dependant I am on my computer. The thing I use it for most is those nagging tidbits of trivia you absolutely have to know in the middle of the night.

I wanted to tell you all the exciting things I did over the weekend but now that Monday is here and I'm staying late at work to write about it - it doesn't seem so interesting. Quite the contrary, actually.

Regardless, the summary of highlights includes:

Watched Syriana - well, half-way, anyway.
Ran a 5 mile road race in Central Park.
Visited my friends Amy and Omer and their two beautiful chillens - Jake and Fiona.
Toured Amy and Omer's newly purchased and soon to be gut renovated house - a quintessential Bklyn brownstone circa 1870(ish)
Did laundry (a really big deal for me since I just did laundry last week!!!!)
Fornicated - 3 times, I believe.
Ate brunch at Cup
Took a nap on the couch

See there folks, what a exciting life you're missing out on in the big apple.

Now, I'm off to a comedy writing bootcamp taught by PAUL MOONEY! Will definitely post about this tomorrow. So excited.

Midweek blues... make me wanna holler

2006-07-13T09:45:00.000-04:00

I wanted to post last night but my computer at home is ailing. My co-worker Darwin, who is an IT genius is going to do a diagnostic conference call with me this evening. If that doesn't work, my poor puter will have to take a trip on the subway into the big city for a consult.

There wasn't anything on tv that I wanted to watch and I'd already eaten most of the carb contents of my cupboards. My S.O./compadre/man I sleep with, was pissed at me and I was trying to figure out if I was more angry at him or hurt by something he said.

I settled into my bed and began reading "A Moveable Feast". This made me long for Paris in such an extreme sort of way. I could recall how I felt wandering the streets. All of Paris felt like a gallery to me and even the simplest of things, coffee on the rue St-Honore felt so much more artisitc and fulfilling. (I know this makes me sound like a pretentious dork but I have a romance with Paris that can only be understood by those who share it).

Amidst my fantasies about the streets of Montmartre, a sharp thick bolt of lightening slashed the sky across. Within moments thunder followed at a level so loud I jumped and covered my ears like a little kid. I'm quite the jumpy monkey.
The storm was peaceful though. I watched the lightning and counted between it and the thunder like Robbie does in Poltergeist.

It wasn't long before even the storm couldn't hold my attention and I wandered off into the kitchen on a quest for chocolate. I'd already eaten my chocolate calcium chew for the day and that wasn't cuttin it. Miracle of all miracles I was thrilled to fins a sleeve of Girlscout thin mint cookies in the freezer. I happily inhaled 4 or 5 and drifted off to sleep with visions of me in a bikini with a distended belly...

Deathtrap Sweet Deathtrap

2006-07-07T16:53:00.000-04:00

I received a phone call a little while back from Tommy, one of the tenants of my old building. He's an electrician who occupied the space underneath my apartment and who informed me that I was living in a death trap. Apparently he's seen some pretty bad wiring in his career and this was some of the worst. He recommended I unplug everything and buy a rope ladder.

Anyhow, Tom called to let me know that the city had come with an order to vacate the premises. Everyone was kicked out and the building, sealed off.

Who, I wondered, would have called the city and ratted us out? Could it be my former roommate Eric who bitterly left the apartment swearing that I never told him it was a commercial lease(bullshit)? Perhaps it was the woman next door who finally got tired of the revolving door of "boys" making noise till all hours and leaving trash all over the place. Either way, I'm sure my former landlady thinks it was me.

Over the course of my three years there, I had seven different roommates - each one slightly more bizarre and/or creepily idiosyncratic than the next. The only good things to come out of that pit of despair was my friendship with my 2 of my former roomies, Jonny and young Gregory, as I affectionately refer to him.

All I know is this is the first time in my life that timing was on my side. If I had stayed just 3 months longer in that cess pool, I'd have been instantly homeless, searching for a place to stash a packrat size pile of nostalgia and obscene amounts of throw pillows.

I was telling Tony just yesterday, It's the first time I ever left a home without even the slightest twinge of regret or sentimentality. I just wanted to get away from the mice, the rain in the kitchen, the new roomate who moved in every two months and the responsibility of covering a rent of $1875 if someone decided to leave in the middle of the night. (which happened)

Comparatively, I live in a palace now and they'll have to get a bulldozer and automatic weapons to get me out of there.

You've got to ...

2006-07-06T01:30:00.000-04:00

Still Standing - Formerly a topical show, this semi-regular offering will now be once a month (3rd Wednesday of each month) and feature a "mixed bag" of comedic stylings including storytelling and comedic music. Great beer, food and entertainment - all in one place - oh, and free oral sex for the first 20 patrons.

July 19th, 2006 at 8pm

Jimmy's No. 43 - 43 East 7th St between 2nd and 3rd Ave.

Featuring... Raquel D'Apice,
Emily Epstein, Seymour James,
Robert Gompers and Laura Mannino

Greetings and Salivations

2006-07-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

It is my strong feeling that this would be the most appropriate way to greet close friends and family members.

In my mind, these buddies seem to be accomplishing several things at once...
saying hello without the predictability of a handshake or hug,
an outlet for their aggression
and a light snack (albeit furry).

Let me know what you think folks.

If I don't hear anything, I'm going to assume the next time I see any of you it is perfectly acceptable for me to tackle you and gnaw on your head.

Pop Quiz

2006-06-30T12:31:00.000-04:00

Last evening after the deluge of rain, the fine folks from the Parks Department set off fireworks in Astoria Park. Amidst the sounds of The Muppet Show on DVD, my cousins Bridgid and Deirdre heard some noise outside. After we ruled out gunshots and the possibility of a civil war re-enactment, we went outside and walked under the Triboro. I always feel like a little kid during the fireworks - ooohing and aaahing through the 15-20 minute display. My favorite fireworks are the silvery ones that look like a weeping willow and then the very ends twinkle brightly before they die out.

It is a half day here at work so most people are fucking off anyway. As I type this, there are 5 people behind me watching the World Cup on the tv the security guard is attached to. A highlight of today was brunch, complete with swine and blueberry french toast. It is also payday and the Friday before a long weekend ... so I'm in unusually good spirits.

I was inspired today while reading a fellow performer's blog, to take some quizzes. I took the two that Carolyn took and then found another of my old favorites.

Amybeth Whissel --

[noun]:

A master of storytelling

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Seems pretty accurate. Of course, it don't pay the bills.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Also true, however it should read, "at The Elks Club #2394" not the American Legion.

And for those of you who want to define your political and moral leanings beyond just Left or Right, go here.

Economic Left/Right: -6.75
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.59

I share political idealogies with Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama. I find myself feeling enraged over global injustice while also very much at one with myself.

One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Catfish

2006-06-29T21:07:00.000-04:00

Nicolio was kind enough to send me the following photos of my brother, the fisherman. When we were kids we used to go fishing in Canada, but I never caught anything like this... I don't remember ever catching much more than little silver bass.

It used to be that my brother would turn to dust if the sun hit him before noon. This same creature of the night, gets up at 5am and schleps his ass down to the water to go fishing with his buddies, without an unkind word or a threats of violence.

It would seem that my therapy for Mom and a whole bunch of other stuff is running and Mattie's is handling worms, guppies and various types of chum to woo and prevail upon the "channel cats". Hey man, whatever works.

God Made Me

2006-06-27T14:57:00.000-04:00

I realize that I have a propensity for juvenile antics but when it involves gay pride day and the police I can hardly be held accountable. On Sunday afternoon, I joined my BGH, Tony and his brother Mike for a day of merriment in the Village.

Prior to meeting up with a cast of other characters, we watched the parade from the corner of Christopher and Bleecker. There was a church group handing out stickers and I plastered a couple of them on my ass pockets. One read "God Made Me Gay", the other, "God Made Me a Lesbian." The third, I decided should be saved for someone special ("God Made Me Trans").

After placing some extra stickers on unsuspecting parade-goers, Rob and I came across these lovely corn fed police officers, who were kind enough to pose with me.

In our haste to capture a photo of our new favorite Transexual Cop, Rob and I tipped off his partner to the sticker on his back. She cracked up and let him wear it for awhile before telling him it was there. Quite possibly my favorite part though, was Rob and I "hiding" behind a lamp post giggling while we watched the scene unfold.

Lemme see your pride, bitches!

It keeps you running...

2006-06-25T14:00:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, I did the Front Runners Pride Run (5 miles) and continued to work towards building my endurance. Sadly, when I went outside to retrieve my flashing light tiara, I realized it was stolen out of the trunk when my car was burglarized in Buffalo. Tragically, I was forced to run in my drab old running clothes minus the flash and fun.

I have another race tomorrow for another worthwhile event in honor of V Day. This race, called "Until the Violence Stops" will help me in my goal toward guaranteed entry into the 2007 ING-NYC marathon, as well as an opportunity to support one of the many events in this 15 day festival.
I'm really excited to be running a new course and for a chance to see Prospect Park.

The countdown is on for my friends Melaina and Michael who are in the last stages of their Ironman training. So, the day after my birthday when I am most likely bloated and headachey or on a deep sea fishing expedition, the two of them will be participating in more physical activity in one day than the average American kid does in a year*

*(based upon well researched statistics I made up)

Jive Political

2006-06-22T13:15:00.000-04:00

I've been a really apathetic little monkey lately and it isn't something I'm proud of.

It's so easy in the course of our lives to become wrapped up in our own small sphere of reality that we forget what part we play in the larger picture. This is one reason I really admire Angelina Jolie. She's used her fame to bring attention to projects she's passionate about. She's trying to expose mainstream America to the reality of how blessed we are and how much good we can do in the world - in spite of the current administration.

Another person whose dedication, knowledge and passion about world issues and politics that I admire, is my uncle, Tom Carney.

Tommy came to live with us before I was even born. He was my mother's baby brother who went with her and my Dad on dates to the drive in. In the early part of their marriage, my grandfather passed away from a malignant brain tumor and my grandmother from what was later deemed Alzheimer's. So, even though he is my uncle, I have thought of him as my brother for as long as I can remember.

There was a time when we both lived in Buffalo and every Monday night was "Movie Night". he exposed me to a lot of films I may never have seen otherwise. One documentary I remember particularly well was "Hearts of Darkness - A Filmmaker's Apocalypse".

My memories of Tommy are all tied up in music (he's seen some amazing shows), film (he was a bartender and watched old black and white films from 5-7am after work) as well as books (he never failed to have his nose in a book or three and was incapable of hearing anything while reading). Incidentally, there are a few choice other stories, such as when a boy from the neighborhood rode his bike over my sister's legs while she sat drawing on the street. Tom decided the best way for him to ponder hurting her would be to dangle from the lamp post across the street from our house. So, he hung him up and walked away.

Since those days, Tom has been living in Portland, Oregon and becoming increasingly progressive - both politically and environmentally. Unbelievably, he's also become an even better, kinder, more compassionate person than he previously was.

That said, if you're looking for a place to inform yourself about some of the known and not so known hot zones of human rights and millitarization, visit Tom's new blog, Mad as Hell.

Happy Summer Solstice!

2006-06-21T17:09:00.000-04:00

Wishing you all a summer season filled with cold beverages, good friends, plentiful slices of pizza and a big gay husband to call your own!

Today is my favoritest day of the year.

Girl, you gotta have pride!

2006-06-20T11:35:00.000-04:00

My BGH has been sending borderline threatening emails. I am to get rid of this last post of green eyed jealousy and seriousness and replace it with a touch 'o frivolity.

The above photo was taken after Rob and I saw a friend's production at the Producer's Club this past Friday.

In honor of Pride weekend here in NYC I'm running a 5 mile race in Central Park on Saturday and my BGH and Tony have agreed to cheer me on at the finish. I did another 5 mile this past weekend for Father's Day/Prostate Cancer Awareness and it was hotter than monkey balls.

It seems I'm happiest lately when I'm running.

So, just think how much ebullience I'll have on Saturday when I run in a tiara and feather boa.

green eyes

2006-06-16T10:19:00.000-04:00

Jealousy is a kooky thing...

It's a feeling that fills me with annoyance and self loathing, yet I allow myself to be susceptible to it.
I permit the little cracks in my self esteem and the things I know to be false to gnaw away at me ... until I've inevitably pushed away the person or goal I want to get close to.

I can clearly define the moments where rage, fear, envy and anger are the pitfalls and I have a clear and rational idea of the situation but still can't help reverting to old habits. I hate that about myself.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Don’t you think I want to
Don’t you think I would
Don’t you think I’d tell you baby
If I only could
Am I acting crazy
Am I just too proud
Am I just plain lazy
Am i, am i, am i, ever

Cause I'm jealous, jealous again
Thought it time I let you in
Yeah, I'm jealous, jealous again
Got no time, baby

You better recognize

2006-06-14T11:17:00.000-04:00

I'll bet that very few of you know about my up and coming music career. Don't delay! Get on the bandwagon and sign up for my fanclub, where you'll receive advance notice on all my shows and promotions.

I'm also available to play your wedding, sweet sixteen and bar or bat mitzvah. Reasonable rates. Satisfaction guaranteed.

TCB, baby!

Yikes. He's cranky!

2006-06-09T07:47:00.000-04:00

My mother died at Nazareth Nursing Home in Buffalo, NY, in the early evening of May 26th, 2006.

From Monday night when I got to Buffalo until that afternoon, I sat with my Mom. I read to her from the paper, from the Artvoice, The Garden of Eden and The Alchemist. On Friday, after the 3-11 shift change, I left the room so the nurses could get my Mom settled in bed. On my way back inside, a CNA appeared to tell me I needed to get upstairs and call the rest of my family.

Mom’s breathing became shallower and her face and hands started to turn blue. The minister from her church had been called but hadn’t arrived, so my sister asked the nurses station to call on the chaplain.

I’d met Sister Bernard several times before. She came and said a prayer with us when I arrived in Buffalo, which seemed like it would be my Mom's last night on Earth. I remember her voice being sweet with more than a hint of a brogue, even after 30 plus years in the States. She walked to the foot of the bed and took my hand and my sister’s. Betsy held my brother’s hand while he held my Mom’s right hand and I held her left. What I’m saying in a convoluted way, is we held hands in a circle.

Sister Bernard began a prayer that I still cannot recall other than the fire and brimstone filled words that passed her lips. “Agonizing…sinners punished …fiery hell. She wasn’t saying Mom was going there, which is why I couldn’t understand why she spent so much time telling my Mom what she would be spared instead of stressing what awaited her. She was very sweet and meant well, make no mistake, but it reminded why I am glad I was really raised a Protestant rather than a Catholic. The Catholics just seem to dwell a lot on the negative stuff. The stuff that makes people behave and follow (blindly). If it weren't for Mom's insistence on the Protestant Church, I may have never found my way to Wicca or some of the other philosophies and theologies I’ve incorporated along the way.

In the last minutes my mother breathed, time was an agonizingly slow space where I unconsciously held my breath to the point I thought my chest would cave in under its own weight. Her breathing stopped for what seemed like 2 minutes and I thought it was over. Then suddenly she gasped and began breathing again. This happened at least two more times when my brother finally broke the tension. “She’s doing this on purpose.” he said with a grin. Betsy and I both laughed through our tear stained faces and dripping noses. We told her we’d watch over and beat on each other always and she could let go.

Then it was over. I’d been lying in bed with her when she died and I waited a while before getting up, not wanting to let go. I went outside for a cigarette with my brother and Nicole. Bruce McKay, the pastor of my mother’s church came up the stairs to the entrance and it struck me this is exactly the way we saw one another four days before. I’d just arrived from NY and I was having a cigarette with my brother and Nikki when his car pulled up.

“I’m so glad you’re here”, I told him. “Sister Bernard came and said a prayer with us and there was a lot of talk of hell, the devil and sinners. My mother believed in a compassionate and forgiving God, not this cranky, vindictive God.

“Please come in and say a prayer with Momma so we can banish angry Jesus!”

Bruce laughed and hugged me and we all went inside and prayed one last time with my mom. I don’t remember what was said specifically but I do know it was about releasing her pain, the love that we shared and of course, butterflies.

Angry Jesus couldn’t have made butterflies.

Back to ?

2006-06-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

I returned from Buffalo last night to my cozy, albeit,rather messy apartment. There were cards crammed into the mailbox along with a passive agressive postcard from the mailman about mail forwarding. My apartment was hot but thankfully stank free. Kelson came over last week and emptied the garbage, washed the dishes and watered the plants.

If this experience has taught me anything other than how unfair life can seem, it is that I am truly blessed with compassionate and supportive friends.

I'm going to do my best to respond to everyone individually for their kindness and prayers but until I manage to do that, THANK YOU.

In the aftermath of family and friends participating in a three day Irish wake (with food provided my beloved Italian)I may ask for your occasional patience. I feel like I'm in a half state where the past ten years of my Mom's illness, the last week of her life, the day she died, the time I was in Buffalo and the time away from my life in NYC is all mish mashed into some strange place in time that exists outside the actual reality of time. I can barely finish my usually nonsensical statements.

Anyhow, my BGH and Tony (who were infallibly supportive and kind through this madness) are on their way over to welcome me home.

While I force them to look at old pictures of my Mom - because that's what I need to do right now, I'll know I'm lucky. I've seen a lot of very lonely people at the nursing home these past seven years.

Warning: slightly preachy but well intentioned statement to follow...

Call, write, visit, someone you love and spend time with them without worrying about all the other stupid shit that needs to be done. Better yet, visit a stranger in the nursing home who has no family (or one that is lost to them) and whose days pass largely uninterrupted from the routine of waiting to die.

(I hope no one I love ever forgets about me.)

Jokes are coming people, I promise.

C. Durinda Carney 3/23/48 - 5/26/06

2006-05-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

Yet another cut and paste job...

Some of you know and some of you don't. I've been in Buffalo since Monday as my Mom's health began to decline significantly. Just wanted to thank you all for prayers and kind words during this experience.

Mom passed away last night at 4:55pm with Betsy, Matthew and I around her. We're relieved that after nine long years our mother is no longer suffering.

For those of you in town who can make it, there's a memorial service on Tuesday May 30, at 11am at Pilgrim St. Lukes UCC - 335 Richmond Avenue (on the corner of W. Utica). For those out of town, I'll return to NYC next weekend.

Once again, thank you to all of you for being there for my family and I.

The waiting is the hardest part...

2006-05-23T22:11:00.000-04:00

The following is a letter I sent to friends letting them know what's going on in my little slice of the sphere. I apologize for the cut and paste but I am ... well, at a loss for words right now. There's a first time for everything.

Hi chicas...

Just a heads up that I am in Buffalo for an indeterminate amount of time. Mom has taken a downward turn. I got the call Monday morning and got in the car and drove here.

My sister Jennifer and her husband brought the kids (to say their goodbyes) and left this evening. I'm not sure if my sister Betsy and her husband and kids are staying here for a while or not. My brother and his girlfriend are putting me up and giving me lots of hugs. Their Rottweiler, Orin, is also making sure I'm not short on affection.

It's a waiting game and we'll just have to see. Mom is dehydrated and not taking in much fluid so its really a matter of time. I've been climbing into her bed and reading to her - and probably mauling her to death. Quintessential Momma's girl :)

I will be staying here and discovering the benefits and drawbacks of the Family Medical Leave Act. I want to make sure my mother leaves this world as peacefully and painlessly as possible. And I want her to be surrounded with the knowledge of how profoundly she touched the lives of those who know her. Mom had a ceaseless capacity for compassion and it has become evident with every visitor how much she is genuinely loved.

She's on oxygen and they've started giving her liquid morphine under the tongue.

I asked if I could have some but no one seemed to find me very amusing...especially when they realized I wasn't joking.

I hate to keep in touch this way but I've had my phone permanently attached to my head for 24 hours and I'm not making much sense ... not that I ever have :)

Thanks to all the amazing people surrounding my family right now with prayers, text messages, phone calls, email and hugs. You remind me how lucky I am.

As the saying goes...

2006-05-19T15:04:00.000-04:00

I'm home from work today, alternately napping with Lord Mucous and puttering around my apartment in an attempt not to over-think my existence. This all made me thing of my friend and co-worker John Fox.

Johnny Fox is a security guard at work who's a salt of the Earth, Bronx Irishman. He's always quick with a good quote or a sage old saying. He once told me referring to his past wicked ways, "Yeah baby, I was on everything but roller skates."

My favorite thus far remains, "If you're livin in your head, you're livin in a bad neighborhood."

On that note I think I shall check the sauce simmering on the stove and settle into my warm bed with a book. Rainy days are not meant to be spent anywhere else.

Run Forrest!

2006-05-18T13:15:00.000-04:00

This past Wednesday I ran the American Heart Association Wall Street Run. It was a 5k race winding through the streets of Lower Manhattan. I enjoyed seeing a part of Manhattan I'm not usually apt to go to.

The best part though,was that I'm averaging just under a ten minute mile. I also had a nice 4 mile run on Monday and can feel my legs getting stronger.

My track record for maintaining healthy habits isn't so great so 'm trying to keep my enthusiasm up through occasional shin splints and soreness in my SI joint.

Next up is a big one for me... not only because of the mileage (it's a 10k) but it marks the end of my time as a smoker.

Yes, it's true.

I'm going to have my very last cigarette on June 7th, 2006.

Also taking up this worthwhile endeavor is my boy T.P.
Big Gay Husband, however shall remain a smoker (for now) and probably kill me during this experience.

Now that I've told you all, be sure to give me shit if I fail.

Then give me a big hug and tell me to try again :)

2006-05-16T09:24:00.000-04:00

R.I.P Common Sense - The following post contains run on sentences and potential grammatical errors to adequately reflect my state of annoyance.

I'll only bring up one example today of the alarming rate at which common sense is disappearing.

This morning, amidst a downpour, a seemingly-normal, bright, smiley woman stepped onto the train and stood in the middle of the doorway dripping her Ginormous umbrella all over the 8 or so people seated around her.

She must have had a keen ear though because she apologized and clumsily folded her umbrella up when I just happened to sigh. and roll my eyes. :)

Thankfully, people can still be shamed into some semblance of considerate behavior.

Desperately Seeking ...

2006-05-11T08:00:00.000-04:00

...tickets to see Odets. If anyone knows where to find them for less than 88 bucks let me know...

I was a production manager on this show at the Kavinoky Theatre and I loved the play.

tidbits

2006-05-11T07:58:00.000-04:00

Well... Last night was a far more respectable showing and enough to make me feel better about the impending baseball season.

In other news, I'll be doing my own rendition of "Masterpiece Theatre" this evening at the Gene Frankel Theatre for Manhattan Comedy Collective's Big Bang. I'll also polish off some stand up comedy gems and maybe even pierce a body part or two.

Last night I was fortunate, yet again, to do a staged reading of a new full length play by the BGH. This one, "The Gorey Guide to Gay Dating" was presented to a group of theatre folk who hopefully provided young Rob with some helpful suggestions. I went home right after the read having a sour stomach and an abnormal sense of depression for the loss of my favorite Rhoda scarf.

(Other items whose loss I'm still lamenting - my kick ass blue fuzzy Kangol Trilby hat lost at Christmas after the arduouds drive to Buffalo and the aquamarine ring that my father gave my mother the year they were engaged - it fell off my finger Easter Sunday 3 years ago at MOMA.) This one is similar but not close enough. sigh...

Thanks to Mo for sending this horrifying blurb to my attention yesterday. As she pointed out - he is supposed to be the brighter one. Not much consolation there, folks.

Speaking of Maureen, I'm thinking of going to glorious Harriman, NY to cheer Mo on in her second (or maybe third?) sprint triathlon on May 21st.

In all honesty it depends how much I eat and drink at a Carney favorite - the Ninth Avenue Food Festival! I'm already trying to figure out whether to start with pierogies as per usual or start things off a little differently. Either way, there will be beer, carbs, jewelry and bargains...

These are some of the random things that ran through my head this morning while washing my face and brushing my teeth...all while urinating. God, I love a tiny bathroom.

Seeking blind, apathetic woman with strong stomach

2006-05-10T15:09:00.000-04:00

It's a good cause after all.

Well, who doesn't want Big, Sexy Hair?

2006-05-08T00:36:00.000-04:00

Everytime my BGH visits my home, my hair care products go missing. The scenario is usually something like this. BGH and I hang out in my apartment. At some point in the course of the evening he manages to discreetly make his way into and out of my bedroom without me knowing. When I crash in bed later on, I am usually greeted by a bottle of hair thickener under my pillow or a jar of soy paste underneath my stuffed monkey.

When asked where this burning desire to hide my hair care came from, he responded that if I was going to use a product with such a ridiculous and melodramatic name he was required to point it out to me whenever the opportunity arose.

This Friday was an event to be sure - it actually took two days of routing through my sheets and pillows to discover the location of all my potions and lotions.

I often wonder to myself... what do people without a BGH do for entertainment?

Ola bitches...

2006-05-05T09:26:00.000-04:00

Back from an excellent vacation filled with good friends, alligators, beer, baseball, saltwater and airboats. A special shout out to Joe Yanacci who was kind enough to put up (and put up with) Kelson, Tony and I for 5 days in his comfy home. We utilized the pool and made a mess of his "professionally cleaned" apartment as well as allowing this poor creature to schlep us all over the state of Florida.

Some of the highlights of the trip include holding a baby alligator, meeting up with Mo for gators and beers (she happened to be visiting her parents in North Fort Myers), Captain Mike and the airboat ride through the Everlades, swimming in the beautiful waters off Captiva Island and card games on the lanai. In addition I was touched by the text messages from my BGH telling me I was missed. What a lucky girl!Oh, and did I mention how much I enjoyed seeing Tampa Bay beat the Red Sox?
*big grin*

Regarding my prior to Florida post - sorry to be so morbid but I want this blog to be true to my fluctuating moods and life experiences. It is who I am and if you're just bored enough to keep reading... well, y'all are the cat's ass. I do appreciate it :)

mad love... ab

Time out

2006-04-27T08:19:00.000-04:00

Kelson, Tony and I are headed for the gulf coast so I'll be intentionally incommunicado for a spell. When I return, hopefully reinvigorated, I shall regale you with tales of sandy crotches and inhaled salt water.

Mi Mariposa

2006-04-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

It amazes me that after almost ten years it still isn't real to me that my mother is going to die.

She has been trapped inside a healthy body, a deteriorating mind catching only glimpses of the past - less and less every day. Her cognizance of her surroundings is almost nill now. I used to be able to get her to look me in the eye and we would have a moment where I could see a spark. A smile would spread out over her face and she would make a noise - sort of like a laugh and an assuring grunt at the same time.

She isn't eating anymore and is losing weight. They're having her evaluated for hospice. It's the beginning of the end. And it still isn't real.

Pardonez moi, s'il vous plait

2006-04-24T17:28:00.000-04:00

Miss Toniann Scime...

Please do forgive me for my belated greetings on this your 30ish birthday. I hope it was a fun, relaxing, saturated fat-filled day.

I like it when I'm wrong...

2006-04-23T18:14:00.000-04:00

I don't do rainy days. I don't like early mornings and I don't enjoy being wet and cold unless I'm in a tub of gelatin or mud or chocolate pudding. So I figured I'd just volunteered to be a miserable cow all day.

Surprisingly I had, what I'd like to think was, a very Zen-like day.

When I woke up it was dark and pouring rain. I dragged my ass out of bed in my efforts to maintain some sense of discipline, a trait I am not known for. I ate my toast which I barely tasted and somehow found myself at the train station.
The N(ever)showed up 15-20 minutes later and I was on my way.

I was worried that there'd be throngs of people who also hadn't picked up their chips and bibs and I'd get stuck at the end of the line.

I needn't have worried.

I walked right up, picked up my stuff and found myself with an hour to spare and the rain coming down harder than ever. About 9:45 I was good and soaked so I took off my wet sweatshirt and track pants and got ready to run.

I ran my own race and I knew Tony would have been proud. It was his advice mantra last night before he left and I followed it. I kept my own pace and watched more than a few people making mistakes I'd made last year. I finished in the forty-fifth percentile and ran about 10 minute 30 second miles. Not great - but I was running 12 minute miles up until a few months ago so I'm proud of myself.

My good friends Michael and Melaina are much faster but invited my friend Maureen and I to meet them back at their place afterward. When we arrived we got hot showers and warm dry clothes (all my dry clothes were in a bag that wound up in a "stream" in the baggage area.) Then we all went out for a tasty brunch and some mimosas at Beach.

My belly full, I took my old train, the F (for filthy) and dropped by HiTech Auto to see Sadiq. He said I'd need to tow it which is exactly what I was hoping he wouldn't say. I walked about a half a mile, got in the car and...she started. Hooray! Rather than be a meathead (my natural inclination) I drove right back to the garage and left Fiona in capable hands (she'll be needing a new alternator though).

A little siesta on the couch was followed by a screening of Walk The Line and then I made banana bread. I forgot how much I love it when the smell fills the house. I've just taken it out of the oven and put a pot of coffee on as the Big Gay Husband is on his way over to chat. Hopefully he'll have good news in the romance department - he texted me last evening to let me know "there was flirting" going on.

I hate to report such a healthy and calm day when my life has been filled with so much madness and abuse ... but I am pleased to say I am very content.

rainy day blues

2006-04-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

today was a lazy, gray, rainy day and i didn't accomplish much more than stranding my poor car at 21st and broadway.

i ventured out to get my friend tony and we made it to within a half mile of my apartment. the battery light was lit from the time i started the car and i kept losing power as i went.

a very sweet e.m.t., Carlos Lopez helped tony push my car to the side of the road and then gave us a ride home.

so, tomorrow, my good muslim mechanic friends will help unburden my wallet of my recently deposited tax return.

but first, i'll run in the adidas run for the parks. it's a 4 mile race in central park. after which i'll attend the latest installment of the big gay brunch. The evite reads: The Totally Fabulous Big Gay Nelly and Ladies of the Night Alliance presents... You've Gotta Have Pride Girl.

okay, so we aren't big on brevity.

after a few cocktails and chatter about cocks i'll head over to see sadiq and tend to my dear fiona. if time permits, i'll engage in the ancient torture of laundry.

i know, i know - you're riveted by my fascinating, jet set life.

Post Show

2006-04-21T17:15:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all the friends and co-workers who showed up to lend their support at Emerging Artists Theatre on Wednesday (and my cousin Briddie who came to the Final Dress). We had a great response and some really helpful feedback at the talkback afterwards.

Afterward, we made our way over to Robert Emmett's for a pint (or four). My BGH and I were tripping the light fantastic until 3am. This may not seem like a big deal for some but I've been keeping my "school night" extra curricular activities to a minimum cause I just don't bounce back like I used to! (so sad)

After I arrived at my humble little abode, I found Miss Kelson crashed on my couch. Further inquiry determined that the evil department of Transportation of the City of NY had towed Miss GiGi (the vehicle's given name). There will be more on this later.

So it was off to Yonkers at 3am to deliver my friend to her dog whose bladder was most likely, fully expanded at that point. I arrived back at my place around 4:30 and was crashed out by 5. Needless to say, my head was bobbing over my keyboard for most of the day as I tried not to get busted dozing by the security cameras.

My BGH was supposed to snap a few pictures but we were overwhelmed by our legions of fans!

I also learned a valuable lesson - 2 shots of espresso with cream should not be topped off with bourbon.

Showtime

2006-04-19T08:52:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know I've been remiss. But it's all been for a good cause. I've been working hard on the development and first production of "It Seemed Like a Good Idea At The Time"
I must admit I'm starting to get a little nervous/nauseous. We had a final dress last night and though my BGH said it went well, I still feel like it can be better.

Some of my concerns are silly - it's a piece we put together a few weeks ago yet I want it to be more refined and memorized! I also worry that I'm not delving deep enough - that I'm not doing my mother justice.

Another thing Rob and I have discussed are my concerns about doing a one woman show based on my own life. Granted the timeline is somewhat skewed and some of the details are fiction (that was my James Frey disclaimer) but it's pretty much me... So my question is, when you're playing yourself does it count as acting?

I'll be coming back at ya tomorrow with photos and thoughts about how things go tonight. If anyone wants to make it I think there are a few seats left - 311 West 43rd Street between 8th and 9th at 9pm.

Take a guess...

2006-04-17T12:04:00.000-04:00

Have you met Miss ...er Mr. Jones?

Seriously, what the fuck happened to Star Jones? She scares me now. She's like a horrifying little, drag queen, bobblehead, troll doll. It looks like she's having trouble holding that dam thing up.
The frustrating thing is that I cannot find any skinny Star head photos using google or msn. I just found lots of pictures where Star's head is actually proportionate to her body. Alas...

A few quick phonecalls around the office revealed these random guesses at the weight of Star Jones' head.

Eben - 67lbs
Susan - 25 lbs.
Kerry - 30lbs.

For my guess, I'm going to say 42lbs and 6 oz.

Next thing you know she'll hire someone to help her hold her head up (and it will have advertising on the side for whoever is paying to have Star's head held up.)

I'll show you a hissy!

2006-04-15T11:04:00.000-04:00

As I told the couple on the train the other night who apologized to me for what I overheard, "Nothing phases me much anymore."** However, I hadn't seen this most disturbing and ridiculous trend.

In the NY Post yesterday there was a story about a new LIVE fashion accessory, the roach brooch.
The giant Madagascar hissing cockroach, which is about three inches long and actually does hiss, is partially covered in brightly colored Swarovski crystals, which are glued to its hard outer shell.

It also sports a small clasp that attaches to a silver chain, the other end of which is a cameo pin - reminiscent of the bizarre Victorian-era trend of wearing live insects as jewelry.

What could be classier than having dinner with friends as they watch this little fella parade up and down your shoulders, hissing and shitting? Not only entertaining but so sanitary!

Personally, I have some serious issues with roaches and the bigger they get the more skeeved out I am. Throwing a few Swarovski crystals on it isn't going to keep me from screeching like a little girl when the damn thing is ON me! Now, for the record, I'm not really a girlie girl - especially not with bugs or rodents. The roach, however is an exception. I can feel my skin crawl when I see one. I can hear the crunch sound burned into my cerebral cortex from every previous roach encounter I've had. Roaches bring out in me a cruelty I wouldn't show any other creature. And yet, I find this just too disturbing.

The hissing bejeweled roach arrives at your home in a box (where it can live without food or water for 4 days - a requirement I have for all my jewlery). After you've bonded with your pet roach adornment, you hook him on to his litle leash and impress and amaze your friends. You may want to let him down from your shoulders every once in a while though as roaches are susceptible to dehydration. (It's really the only thing that will kill these prolific fuckers.)

Roach or not, this is no life for any living creature.

Can the MTA Rat Hat be far behind?

**The funny part is that I actually didn't hear anything. The guy smiled at me and I smiled back. He assumed I'd heard whatever he said to his chica. After I spoke, he said... "That's because you're a New Yorker".

Don't speak...

2006-04-11T23:17:00.000-04:00

With or without fur, the man is a Neanderthal.

Damon was especially impressed when Navy fighter jets passed overhead after the national anthem.

"Good thing they made a right turn and got over the stadium," Damon said. "Those guys know what they are doing, which is good."

Take me out...

2006-04-11T16:54:00.000-04:00

Hip hip hooray! It's Opening Day!

I have a number of opinions about some things going on in baseball right now but we won't get into that. I have serious (and obvious) concerns about our pitching but I say a prayer for the bats of the boys in pinstripes.

I was fortunate to go to Opening Day last year but no such luck this time out. My absence during the week of Passover would leave the desk unmanned and cause chaos to ensue.

I look forward though, to (several) super cold, over-priced beers and a hot dog in the sixth.

New York Yankees Postgame Alert
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 11, 2006

Kansas City 7, N.Y. Yankees 9 at Yankee Stadium
N.Y. Yankees Record: (3-4)

Winning pitcher - Scott Proctor (1-1)
Losing pitcher - Andrew Sisco (0-1)
SV - Mariano Rivera (1)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
Kansas City 0 1 0 3 0 1 2 0 0 7 12 0
N.Y. Yankees 3 0 1 0 0 0 0 5 X 9 8 0

KC HR - S. Costa (2) R. Sanders (2)
NYY HR - J. Giambi (1) D. Jeter (2)

Next N.Y. Yankees Game: Apr 12, 2006 01:05 PM ET vs. Kansas City Royals

Pick your poison...

2006-04-08T20:05:00.000-04:00

Adrenaline is an amazing and powerful drug. Last night while driving,I became distracted trying to time how many miles I was actually traveling every ten minutes (allowing for people in the way, varying speeds etc.)when suddenly I realized I was headed right into the side of a hill. As I swerved back into the right lane I could feel the blood racing into my heart, which felt ready to explode from my chest. I was wide awake now and all my senses became heightened. That feeling stayed with me long enough to remember some of the other great adrenaline rushes I've had.

Skydiving, albeit tandem,was a pretty great rush. In fact I even got to perform community service during the jump. When we got to about 11,000 feet the guys on the plane started telling me that I could help everyone get more altitude and thusly,longer freefall if I flashed the pilot my boobs. Now, at first the feminist in me was annoyed and felt objectified but then I thought to myself, I'm no Puritan! They're just breasticles. I'll get more free fall. And when I m I ever gonna run into these Canadian wackjobs again (all of whom were chanting, "Take one for the team.")? So I did it. I walked up to the front of the plane, lifted my shirt and gave the pilot a peek at my pasty white 36C's. The plane then shot up 3,000 feet higher and the guys all cheered.

The jump was terrifyingly exhilarating and way too fast but it was comforting to know my breasts were worth 1500 feet each :)

I also find running from the police, whether being chased for real or by suggestion
is enough to get my body to perform great feats without even first considering them. A good example is when I was sixteen and smoking pot in someone's backyard. My friend Kenny thought it would be funny to run in the back and tell us the neighbors smelled the smoke and the cops were on their way through the house to the yard.

I scaled an 8 foot fence in less time than it takes me to sneeze. When I got to the other side and started into a full on sprint I heard the laughter and found out it was just a joke. Unfortunatelt my adrenaline is a better booster than my anger because I couldn't manage to get back over the fence. The whole experience over, I
was shaking with relief and rage. Fortunately by the time I made my way around the block and got back to the house I had let go of it.

But I remember walking home wishing I had a bottle of adrenaline in hand rather than the roach in my pocket.

Hello?

2006-04-04T18:48:00.000-04:00

Who are these people who have the time(and inclination) to call back the missed phone numbers in their caller ID?

How sad (and annoying) is that? Does it never occur to them that if it's important the person will call back? If they didn't leave a message perhaps it wasn't important. For that matter, it may have been a wrong number.

It just seems sort of pathetic to me that someone would waste their time in this way. Are they that bored? lonely? inquisitive (read nosy)?

As long as I'm complaining, I may as well tell you that what really makes me happy
...are the people who call the switchboard where I work and want to know who, in a company of 275+ called them around 3:30. "Umm, yeah. I just checked my caller ID and someone from your office called me."

One of these days I'll have to post about
all the assholes I deal with on a day to day basis.
Some real winners,folks...

Saucy Simian

2006-04-04T11:48:00.000-04:00

I had to write this post immediately as I just received a verbal reprimand from my big, gay husband.

Remember the unofficial signs of spring? One of them was that I'd be writing more consistently. Well, the problem there is that springtime just makes me think perverted and lascivious thoughts - all the time. I would share these with you dear readers, but I am afraid my depravity would taint your angelic image of me for all time.

Anyhow, here's a picture that tickled me...

it comes to you from the Institute of Official Cheer. You can't go wrong with monkeys - ever. And a monkey with red hair... well, that's just more fun than having sex while eating pizza.

The Institute was introduced to me by my friend Genevieve(who my bgh refers to as Gwendolyn)who is adept at finding odd websites I'd have never found otherwise.

Swine, my brother?

2006-04-02T17:00:00.000-04:00

I think its safe to say I've developed a rather disturbing obsession with bacon. It must be that depriving myself of it for the past 15 years has made me incapable of resisting it's salty greasy charms.

Hey, hey. No pushing!

2006-03-31T17:51:00.000-05:00

One of the best things about living in NYC is running into random people from various stages of your life in haphazard places.

Wednesday morning I recognized my friend Marc making his way down Hoyt Avenue to the train. I crept up behind him and started breathing down his neck before saying something I can't recall. He jumped back and told me that I gave him a heart attack. (I could tell he wanted to hit me - and who could blame him?)

As we were sitting on the train catching up he told me a friend of ours is dating some guy and she's happier than she's ever been.

He asks about my (nonexistant) love life. Then he says what I'm sure is a common misconception. "You want one of those guys you can push around."

Actually that couldn't be further from the truth. As I told him, in my natural state as care giver there have been many times I would love it if someone took care of me (at least every now and again).

Without a second thought and with a straight smile, he said, "Oh, You need a Jew."

Apparently the friend who has been happier than ever for the last year has one. And Marc (who is Jewish) and his girl are engaged. And incidentally he rented chimpanzees to hang out with them on her birthday - how fucking cool is that?

So there you have it folks, the quest is on for a nice Jewish boy seeking a goofy, warm-hearted shiksa pagan.

Anyone? anyone? anyone?

Sigh. I still

2006-03-29T18:42:00.000-05:00

dream about you...

and hope you're where you want to be.

You know that one person you can't completely extricate from your heart? I think we've all got one. It was possibly my healthiest and most ideal partnership. No wonder it didn't last. No wonder I've given up on marriage...

I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?

Well... you were dead. (married)

Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

I will never doubt again.

There will never be a need.

Come on now...

2006-03-29T18:22:00.000-05:00

The previous "poem" is an excerpt from my upcoming one woman, work in progress.

Reserve some seats, my beautiful babies...

Emerging Artists Theatre -
311 W 43rd St., 5th Floor,
April 19th, 9pm.
Reservations 212 247-2429.

art used (without permission) by Janet Allinger

I tire myself...

2006-03-29T17:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it seems to be
I'll always be at odds with me...

Obstinate or yielding
Fearful or care free
Amusing or cruel
Indolent or driven
Prude or libertine

Loud or louder

What if I never reconcile

the me that's kind
with the one that's vile?

"Dualistic Mind" Artwork by Neil Hague

House Boy or Troll Desperately Needed

2006-03-27T23:57:00.000-05:00

Currently interviewing houseboy (or troll) for full time indentured servitude.

The reason I haven't written in an ENTIRE week is that I've been super busy procrastinating the cleaning of my clothing. Really. That has consumed my every waking moment. It only got to a fever pitch last week when I could no longer concentrate on anything but how to get away with putting my laundry off for just one more day.

I am now down to 6 pairs of underwear (I started with about 50) and maybe 2 or 3 pair of socks - most likely laden with holes. I still have shirts and pants I can wear to work but they're all the clothes that are least flattering. I need to be a goddess at work so I can inspire the swarthy capitalist around me - in my oh so subtle way.

I schlepped all this laundry - one overflowing Rubbermaid laundry bin and two medium sized garbage bags with me to Pittsburgh this weekend. In the midst of my sister's surprise party didn't seem like the best time to do it. I thought of trying to do it at the hotel - making my way back and forth from the laundry rom to the bar but I tipped over around 2:30 a.m. after I got a few pages into the martini menu.

I've also considered the preferred method of many NYers I know - sending it out. The problem is that at least half of my shirts and pants get hung to dry ... so I'm not walking around looking like Urkel. If half my laundry can't go in the dryer it seems silly to send it to the cleaners.

Needless to say, it sits, dormant and funky in the backseat of my car waiting to be doused with water and purged of it's foul human odors and miscellaneous stains.

If anyone knows a kindly troll in search of a new master to serve or a house boy who works cheap, I'm really interested. Must be hard working, good with delicates, willing to dust and not smell of cabbage. Benefits include home cooking and a burlap sack in the corner of the bedroom.

good news...

2006-03-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

My big, gay husband and I have co-written a one woman show that will make it's debut in an unfinished state in April. Some of you have seen me do stand up but few of you have seen me do any sort of acting (other than like an ass, natch).

I really hope some of the three of you can attend.

One Woman Standing
a developmental series
with Emerging Artists Theatre
April 17, 18, 19 at 7:00pm & 9:00pm
April 22 at 1:00pm & 3:00pm
311 W 43rd St., 5th Floor
$10.00 suggested donation
Reservations at 212 247-2429

Wednesday, April 19th
at 7:00pm
The Physics of Love by Jennifer Pawlitschek
at 9:00pm
Museum by Rob Gompers performed by Jen Kuhnz
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time by Amybeth Whissel, cowritten and directed by Robert Gompers.

2006-03-20T23:04:00.000-05:00

This Sunday marked my second attendance at the monthly brunch of many names. This weeks installment was the Big Straight Brunch featuring Big Nelly Gays. I had a great time. Three actors, two playwrites, one producer and far too many Mimosas...

Below you'll find the reason most men are concerned about taking me... well anywhere really... But mostly home to meet the 'rents.

Top of the mornin to you...

2006-03-17T11:12:00.000-05:00

On behalf of the Carney Clan, I'd like to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Mind you, I'm not a big fan of St. Patrick - the prick demonized pagan religions and caused the death of many witches in his quest to spread Chrisitianity. However, it is a day to celebrate the warmth, lyricism, storytelling and humor of the Irish.

Growing up, my Momma always made corned beef and cabbage and a chocolate mint cake with green frosting. Then she'd tell me stories about my Irish ancestors. Today, I spoke to cousins and will speak to siblings to tell them how much they mean to me. But for now, I've ingested some soda bread and Guinness and Kelson and I are headed to 5th Avenue for the parade. Embarrassing photos to follow.

Smoke up Johnny...

2006-03-15T11:20:00.000-05:00

One of the biggest losses caused by the sweeping pandemic of political correctness is the death of the bad boy, the tortured artist, the hard livin rock and roller. For fuck's sake, even Colin Farrell has gone to rehab... sigh.

If Tara Reid and Christian Slater are the new faces of the live fast and die young set, it's a sure sign of the cultural apocalypse in America .

See, you have to actually do something artistic to be an icon for the poetry and artistry of torture and abuse. Paris Hilton isn't fit to wipe the ass of Charles Bukowski, Dorothy Parker or Wm. S. Burroughs.

Here's to your hole...

2006-03-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

Family : )

My sister, who I affectionately refer to as the overachiever, defended her doctoral dissertation today and is officially Dr. Jennifer K. Simpson MSN, CRNP, AOCN, PhD. I also frequently tell her I'm sure her sole purpose is to make the rest of us look bad.

She runs marathons, is a mother of two, has an ever climbing pharmaceutical career and now, a doctoral degree. I, however, got tired writing that sentence. Needless to say, I am incredibly proud and have vowed never to discuss and therfor reveal my ignorance of Estrogen metabolism, hormone replacement therapy, and body mass index, and their potential impact, individually and combined, on breast density.

That said, I think I'll drink a beer, scratch my ass and write some new material.

Unofficial signs of Spring

2006-03-12T15:51:00.000-05:00

Long live the disposable razor!, originally uploaded by AB Carney.

1. I begin posting regularly again
2. Strange men with no photos on their MySpace profile begin randomly initiating contact.
3. I leave the couch twice in one week.
4. Overwhelming desire to shave and paint my toes. (goodbye yeti!)
5. Increase in masturbation.
6. Street Vendors put out their hippest knock off shades.
7. Women almost enjoy being ogled by the Spanish guys who get their attention by going "pssst" when they pass.
8. I put away half my sock collection.
9. My friend Shay is spotted in Manhattan - 20 minutes from his country home in idyllic Brooklyn.
10. I begin to contemplate another career change.

You are Number 9...

2006-03-06T18:46:00.000-05:00

Sunday my friend Rishi and I made our way over to Rising Dragon Tattoo on 23rd Street for my ninth and his first tattoo. I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy the feeling.

The rendering is what I wanted it to look like. However, Joao Paolo convinced me I was going to lose a lot of the detail unless I went about twice as big. I didn't want the design to overlap as it wrapped around my leg so we agreed to make a few changes.

I wanted something to represent my mother so I chose her symbol - the butterfly - more specifically, the Monarch. Within the shape of the butterfly I placed the initials of myself and my three siblings with my Mom's initials down the center of the body. I know she was proud of us and felt we were the most important thing in her life. I wanted a lasting tribute to her and her legacy. She kept us all together after my father left and made us stronger and tighter knit than we might have been otherwise.

I realized later that I intended to make the tattoo for Mom and it wound up being a tribute to all of mi familia. Sentimental bastard :)

Did I mention the wicked crush I now have on my tattoo artist? If anything better comes from Brazil, they won't let it out of the country.

Prosthetic Update!!!

2006-03-06T16:21:00.000-05:00

I can't say for sure whether the MTA came through for her, but I'm happy to report that Melissa Huff got her legs back!

The two legs, which were taken from Melissa Huff's bedroom in February, were found on Wednesday in the back of her mother's van, Austin said.
"Mrs. Huff had the van at Arcadia High School (for about two hours) and when she drove away she heard some rattling and ultimately found the two legs that had just recently been stolen had been placed in the back of the van," Austin said.

I saw another MTA poster yesterday for lost items and I think they may have a surplus of dentures. So if any of you fine folks out there are in need of a set of chompers, the number once again is...212.712.4500.
If anyone is missing dentures, unequivocally identifies theirs at the MTA AND is actually willing to use them again, please notify me immediately - this is someone I've gotta meet.

An offer I can't refuse...

2006-03-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

I received this email a couple weeks ago and have been considering it ever since. As many of you know I have a fondness for Italian men, food and Italy in general. Therefore I am embarking on a plan to realize the glorious potential match below.

Hi

This is a legitimate appeal for ladies only.
If you are interested or if you want to unsuscribe email me at
togni55@mail15.com

I'm an Italian guy,I live in Italy and my name is Andrea.I live in Padova.
I'm sending this message to the people because I'm bored to live in Italy,I'm
looking for a lady what could invite me in usa.I seek a millionaires american
lady who desires a young guy for marriage.
I would love to find a lady who doesn't work too much and has time for me

I would love to find a wealthy lady who lives in one of the following places in
usa or nearby:
1) "The treasure coast",I mean north east Broward County or east Palm Beach
county(FLORIDA)
2)Honolulu (Hawaii)
3)Reno(Nevada)
4)Las Vegas(nevada)
5)Atlanta(georgia)
6)Jupiter,Stuart,Coral Springs,Jensen Beach,Boynton Beach,Deepwater,Hutchinson
Island or Miami(Florida)

Considering that I like the mature women, I'd love to find a lady of 45-60yo
age range.
I'd love to find a gentle long haired lady who lives in a swimming pool house
near the sea (as I like to swim) .
I seek a lady without young or old children,a no smoker lady who could be
widowed,separated,single ,divorced.
I would need a sugarmamma figure at the beginning .

I seek a bisexual woman that figures out of the years,looks young and feels
young :
it's not a problem if she's not beautiful because she should be beautiful inside
and most of all ,she should desire a younger soulmate.(She could be overweight
too)
The thing I desire is to fix a serious stable relationship with a lady who
gives me the opportunity to have a better life.

ABOUT ME:

I have long black hair,my weight is 65 kilos(145 lbs) and my height is about
1.80 metres(5.11)...
I'm no smoker /drinker and I'm good looking.

If you could be the kind of woman I'm looking for, write me soon please!!!!!!

Thank you very much for reading my letter .
I think there must be a woman for me out there.

Cheers

ANDREA TOGNAZZI -Italy

All relationships have problems as you all know. here are the ones I am a bit concerned about - though quite certain Andrea and I can overcome.

I am not 45-60 years of age.
I am not a millionaire.
The only body of water I am close to is the East River (most likely not what he had in mind). But how sweet is it that he's willing to live in the pool house?
He's skinny (a buck 45, come on Andrea. I could floss with you!)
He doesn't smoke or drink. (this might be a dealbreaker)
My hair was long but I just had 5 inches cut off.

I do like that I can be:
overweight
bisexual
childless
and a pedophile...

For those of you who want to help us celebrate this blessed union, we've decided to eschew a registry at Bergdorf's, Sax or Barney's for the items on my Amazon Wish List.

I'm so excited. If all goes well I'll be a glowing June bride!
Wish me luck!