Make the burning stop.....

Monday, July 31, 2006

One Million 500 Thousand Pounds

Imagine my surprise when I found this fortuitous missive in my inbox...

The U.K. National Lottery
Online Lottery Promo Dept.
Customer Service.
PO Box 1010 Liverpool,
L70 1NL United Kingdom.

Date of Notification: 31-07-2006

Ref N0: KPL/09-002/JA.
Batch N0:P2/0056.

Attn: Winner.

We happily bring to your notice the results of the U.K. National Lottery annual draw held on the 28th of July 2006 in London. The online lotto draws was conducted from an exclusive list of 50,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet.


Your e-mail address attached to the Batch N0:P2/0056 with Serial number:06/1055 drew 28-07-06 [5] [11] [13] [17] [14] [48] [25], which subsequently won you a prize in the category “B”. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £1,500,000.00 (One Million ,
Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) in cash credited to file Ref N0: KPL/09-002/JA.

This prize is from a total cash prize of £4,500,000.00 (Four Million, Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) shared amongst the first Three (3) lucky winners in this grand category 'B'. This year Lottery program Jackpot is the largest ever for the UK National Lottery. The estimated £35,000,000.00 (Thirty Five Million Great British Pounds) jackpot would be the sixth-biggest in the U.K. history next year (2007).

The Lowest was the £4,000,000.00 (Four Million Great British Pounds) jackpot that was shared between Four (4) lucky winners in January 2005 draw of the Big Game Mega Millions' predecessor.

For security reasons, be advised to keep your winning information from public notice until your claims is processed and your prize money remitted to you as required in this grand category “B' terms and conditions of claims. This is a part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by non winners.

Please note that, your lucky winning number: [5] [11] [13] [17] [14] [48] [25] falls within our European Booklet representative office in London as indicated in our play Coupon. In view of this, your £1,500,000.00 (One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds) would be released to you by our affiliate bank.

Our approved agent, Mr. Phil Smith will immediately commence on the processing of your claims, to facilitate the release of your Winnings to you as soon as you make contact with him.

Please be advised as follows: To file for your claim, kindly contact our certified and accredited claims agent with the information below:
Name: Phil Smith
Claims processing agent
For: The U.K National Lottery.
You are advised to provide him with the following information:

Telephone/Fax number:

Note that, all claims processes and clearance procedures must be duly completed early to avoid impersonation and or double claiming.

To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please quote your Reference and Batch numbers in any correspondences with our designated agent.

Congratulations once more from all members and staff of the U.K National Lottery Promo.

Yours Faithfully,

Mrs. Patricia Spencer.
Online Co-ordinator
UK National Lottery Promo

Top 10 Things I'm Using My Prize Winnings For

1. Pay off my credit card debt. I hate feeling like I'm under the thumb of a corporate entity.
2. 5,000 Cases of POM cherry pomegranate juice
3. a cottage by the sea
4. a trip to Ireland, England, Italy, France and Spain with my family, BGH, Tony, Marcie
5. central air
6. an inground pool I design myself.
7. a normally shaped pelvic bone
8. my family close by
9. a revolution in America
10. black cherry blowpops.

I left Phil several messages and his assistant assures me that he'll get back to me as soon as returns from his country estates.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

And I ran...

As of Saturday, I have guaranteed entry into the ING NYC Marathon 2007. I did my ninth qualifying race on a sweltering Saturday morning at Shea Stadium. Maureen was in attendance as well. My Uncle Tommy, Tony and my cousin Kate were there to cheer me on.
I have to say, running into the stadium, the warning track crunching underneath my heels, was a real rush.

Now that I don't have to run any more races I can concentrate on training for the half on August 27th.

Friday, July 28, 2006

You might be a hater if...

Am I a bad person for finding amusement in Lindsay Lohan's very public scolding?
Am I even worse because I laughed harder when I saw the letter was cc'd to her Mommy?

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I thought I looked like my mother...

After reading an early morning blurb of non-news about how Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will be memorialized in wax for Tussauds I clicked on this story.

I mean how could I go through an entire Wednesday without knowing who my inner celebrity is?

I uploaded two of my headshots and watched as a groovy graphic "scanned" my photo. Apparently it utilizes algorithms to compare the photo with the faces of 3200 different "famous people from around world". All in all, it was a fun time for about 5 minutes.

I was a little disappointed that when I scanned a non-smiling photo of myself I had no matches, which goes to show celebrities are too freakin happy. (excluding the super sexy, seemingly angry, aforementioned Ms. Rodriguez.)

Some of my "smiling" matches included Elizabeth Hurley, Michelle Rodriguez, Avril Lavigne, Marcia Cross, Priyanka Chopra (the baddest Indian broad - hands down), Patsy Cline and Nick Carter (I'm hoping this will make me popular amongst the "tween girl" set).

Best of all, I've upped my chipper, carefree quotient by matching up to perenially perky Reese Witherspoon.

I don't know about you, America, but Reese is definitely my sweetheart.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

How can I go wrong

when I was remembered by my brothers and sisters at Prison Talk?

to me 1:01 am (5 hours ago)

Hello NYCAB,

We at Prison Talk would like to wish you a happy birthday today!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Twas the night...

before my birthday and all through my pants, not an ass hair was itching to make me half prance.

I couldn't help it... rhyming should always involve something gross and body related.

I'll be 34 years old tomorrow at 12:50pm. I still feel like I'm somewhere between 12 and 26 depending on the day. Whatever that means.

In all honesty I usually get a little bonkers around my birthday. I make people gather with me somewhere and guilt them into buying me liquor. I tell random strangers who couldn't care less that it's my birthday and sometimes ask them to sing to me.

But it feels different this year. I feel different. (cue Sinead

I'm calmer. I'm sadder and more joyful. I'm taking better care of my body and my heart. I'm always learning :)

Even when my Mom couldn't really talk anymore, I'd still call the nursing home on my birthday. I'd ask whoever answered the phone to tell my Mom I was calling to say thank you and I love her. It's our day and I want to wake up and get a hug from her.

I think about my Momma - the woman she was 34 years ago, so young, and with two girls already when I arrived. I can see her sipping coffee and smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table, wearing her cat eye glasses, cutoff shorts and Dr. Scholl's sandals.

Instead I'll be running 4 miles in Central Park at 8:30am.

If it isn't raining when I get home I'll grab the paper and some coffee and go sit by the water.

Later, Kelson and I are having dinner and I'm really psyched about that. She's been working tons of hours and I've been a bit of a hermit as of late. So an evening of great food, wine and inevitable giggling and embarrassing behavior. Always a good time.

Happy weekend y'all.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Beer here!

Don't forget - Tonight at 8pm at Jimmy's No.43


Join me and my BGH, Rob...

for storytelling, music, beer and funny mutherfuckers.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Awe struck and Aw shucks

Well, I shook the hand of Paul Mooney. That was a highlght for me since I really respect the man and the type of material he does. I also got to do 2 minutes of material and made him raise an eyebrow and nod in agreement (political material). He also smiled and chuckled lightly at a couple nipple/tattoo jokes. (Yes, the very same jokes I've been doing for 3 years!)

The class itself was a bit of a disappointment. I was expecting (as per the class description) that we would work on the anatomy of a joke and how to make the pinchline worth the set up etc. Instead he told stories about working and playing with Richard Pryor. He also talked a little about Eddie Murphy, Redd Foxx, Flip Wilson and Moms Mabley. One f the anecdotes he shared I found pretty feckin funny. he said he was being interviewed on CNN and the woman asked him if it bothered him when white people use the word nigger. paul replied that it didn't bother him. She kept pushing, trying to get some admission out of him. Finally, she said, "well, why doesn't it bother you when white people say the word nigger.?"

Paul replied,"Because I like a little salt on my cracker."


Toward the very end, ten people (out of the way-overbooked) class were given a chance to do 2 minutes. However, this turned out to be a contest of sorts with the winner getting stage time at Caroline's. My preference would have been to get a critique of the material detailing strengths and weaknesses and pointers to keep from sucking.

I'm not even going to get into my annoyance with the Learning Annex. Suffice it to say, they packed too many of us in a room, with little air conditioning during the hottest week in NYC.

I wouldn't recommend or take this class again but I did enjoy being in the presence of such a comedic legend and hearing some cool stories of days gone by.

Monday, July 17, 2006

In summary...

The official word is that my PC is in tip top shape. However I still have no picture on my monitor at all. Sigh.

I never realized how dependant I am on my computer. The thing I use it for most is those nagging tidbits of trivia you absolutely have to know in the middle of the night.

I wanted to tell you all the exciting things I did over the weekend but now that Monday is here and I'm staying late at work to write about it - it doesn't seem so interesting. Quite the contrary, actually.

Regardless, the summary of highlights includes:

Watched Syriana - well, half-way, anyway.
Ran a 5 mile road race in Central Park.
Visited my friends Amy and Omer and their two beautiful chillens - Jake and Fiona.
Toured Amy and Omer's newly purchased and soon to be gut renovated house - a quintessential Bklyn brownstone circa 1870(ish)
Did laundry (a really big deal for me since I just did laundry last week!!!!)
Fornicated - 3 times, I believe.
Ate brunch at Cup
Took a nap on the couch

See there folks, what a exciting life you're missing out on in the big apple.

Now, I'm off to a comedy writing bootcamp taught by PAUL MOONEY! Will definitely post about this tomorrow. So excited.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Midweek blues... make me wanna holler

I wanted to post last night but my computer at home is ailing. My co-worker Darwin, who is an IT genius is going to do a diagnostic conference call with me this evening. If that doesn't work, my poor puter will have to take a trip on the subway into the big city for a consult.

There wasn't anything on tv that I wanted to watch and I'd already eaten most of the carb contents of my cupboards. My S.O./compadre/man I sleep with, was pissed at me and I was trying to figure out if I was more angry at him or hurt by something he said.

I settled into my bed and began reading "A Moveable Feast". This made me long for Paris in such an extreme sort of way. I could recall how I felt wandering the streets. All of Paris felt like a gallery to me and even the simplest of things, coffee on the rue St-Honore felt so much more artisitc and fulfilling. (I know this makes me sound like a pretentious dork but I have a romance with Paris that can only be understood by those who share it).

Amidst my fantasies about the streets of Montmartre, a sharp thick bolt of lightening slashed the sky across. Within moments thunder followed at a level so loud I jumped and covered my ears like a little kid. I'm quite the jumpy monkey.
The storm was peaceful though. I watched the lightning and counted between it and the thunder like Robbie does in Poltergeist.

It wasn't long before even the storm couldn't hold my attention and I wandered off into the kitchen on a quest for chocolate. I'd already eaten my chocolate calcium chew for the day and that wasn't cuttin it. Miracle of all miracles I was thrilled to fins a sleeve of Girlscout thin mint cookies in the freezer. I happily inhaled 4 or 5 and drifted off to sleep with visions of me in a bikini with a distended belly...

Friday, July 07, 2006

Deathtrap Sweet Deathtrap

I received a phone call a little while back from Tommy, one of the tenants of my old building. He's an electrician who occupied the space underneath my apartment and who informed me that I was living in a death trap. Apparently he's seen some pretty bad wiring in his career and this was some of the worst. He recommended I unplug everything and buy a rope ladder.

Anyhow, Tom called to let me know that the city had come with an order to vacate the premises. Everyone was kicked out and the building, sealed off.

Who, I wondered, would have called the city and ratted us out? Could it be my former roommate Eric who bitterly left the apartment swearing that I never told him it was a commercial lease(bullshit)? Perhaps it was the woman next door who finally got tired of the revolving door of "boys" making noise till all hours and leaving trash all over the place. Either way, I'm sure my former landlady thinks it was me.

Over the course of my three years there, I had seven different roommates - each one slightly more bizarre and/or creepily idiosyncratic than the next. The only good things to come out of that pit of despair was my friendship with my 2 of my former roomies, Jonny and young Gregory, as I affectionately refer to him.

All I know is this is the first time in my life that timing was on my side. If I had stayed just 3 months longer in that cess pool, I'd have been instantly homeless, searching for a place to stash a packrat size pile of nostalgia and obscene amounts of throw pillows.

I was telling Tony just yesterday, It's the first time I ever left a home without even the slightest twinge of regret or sentimentality. I just wanted to get away from the mice, the rain in the kitchen, the new roomate who moved in every two months and the responsibility of covering a rent of $1875 if someone decided to leave in the middle of the night. (which happened)

Comparatively, I live in a palace now and they'll have to get a bulldozer and automatic weapons to get me out of there.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

You've got to ...

Still Standing - Formerly a topical show, this semi-regular offering will now be once a month (3rd Wednesday of each month) and feature a "mixed bag" of comedic stylings including storytelling and comedic music. Great beer, food and entertainment - all in one place - oh, and free oral sex for the first 20 patrons.

July 19th, 2006 at 8pm

Jimmy's No. 43 - 43 East 7th St between 2nd and 3rd Ave.

Featuring... Raquel D'Apice,
Emily Epstein, Seymour James,
Robert Gompers and Laura Mannino

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Greetings and Salivations

It is my strong feeling that this would be the most appropriate way to greet close friends and family members.

In my mind, these buddies seem to be accomplishing several things at once...
saying hello without the predictability of a handshake or hug,
an outlet for their aggression
and a light snack (albeit furry).

Let me know what you think folks.

If I don't hear anything, I'm going to assume the next time I see any of you it is perfectly acceptable for me to tackle you and gnaw on your head.