Make the burning stop.....

Friday, March 31, 2006

Hey, hey. No pushing!

One of the best things about living in NYC is running into random people from various stages of your life in haphazard places.

Wednesday morning I recognized my friend Marc making his way down Hoyt Avenue to the train. I crept up behind him and started breathing down his neck before saying something I can't recall. He jumped back and told me that I gave him a heart attack. (I could tell he wanted to hit me - and who could blame him?)

As we were sitting on the train catching up he told me a friend of ours is dating some guy and she's happier than she's ever been.

He asks about my (nonexistant) love life. Then he says what I'm sure is a common misconception. "You want one of those guys you can push around."

Actually that couldn't be further from the truth. As I told him, in my natural state as care giver there have been many times I would love it if someone took care of me (at least every now and again).

Without a second thought and with a straight smile, he said, "Oh, You need a Jew."

Apparently the friend who has been happier than ever for the last year has one. And Marc (who is Jewish) and his girl are engaged. And incidentally he rented chimpanzees to hang out with them on her birthday - how fucking cool is that?

So there you have it folks, the quest is on for a nice Jewish boy seeking a goofy, warm-hearted shiksa pagan.

Anyone? anyone? anyone?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sigh. I still

dream about you...

and hope you're where you want to be.

You know that one person you can't completely extricate from your heart? I think we've all got one. It was possibly my healthiest and most ideal partnership. No wonder it didn't last. No wonder I've given up on marriage...

I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?

Well... you were dead. (married)

Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

I will never doubt again.

There will never be a need.

Come on now...

The previous "poem" is an excerpt from my upcoming one woman, work in progress.

Reserve some seats, my beautiful babies...

Emerging Artists Theatre -
311 W 43rd St., 5th Floor,
April 19th, 9pm.
Reservations 212 247-2429.

art used (without permission) by Janet Allinger

I tire myself...

Sometimes it seems to be
I'll always be at odds with me...

Obstinate or yielding
Fearful or care free
Amusing or cruel
Indolent or driven
Prude or libertine

Loud or louder

What if I never reconcile

the me that's kind
with the one that's vile?

"Dualistic Mind" Artwork by Neil Hague

Monday, March 27, 2006

House Boy or Troll Desperately Needed

Currently interviewing houseboy (or troll) for full time indentured servitude.

The reason I haven't written in an ENTIRE week is that I've been super busy procrastinating the cleaning of my clothing. Really. That has consumed my every waking moment. It only got to a fever pitch last week when I could no longer concentrate on anything but how to get away with putting my laundry off for just one more day.

I am now down to 6 pairs of underwear (I started with about 50) and maybe 2 or 3 pair of socks - most likely laden with holes. I still have shirts and pants I can wear to work but they're all the clothes that are least flattering. I need to be a goddess at work so I can inspire the swarthy capitalist around me - in my oh so subtle way.

I schlepped all this laundry - one overflowing Rubbermaid laundry bin and two medium sized garbage bags with me to Pittsburgh this weekend. In the midst of my sister's surprise party didn't seem like the best time to do it. I thought of trying to do it at the hotel - making my way back and forth from the laundry rom to the bar but I tipped over around 2:30 a.m. after I got a few pages into the martini menu.

I've also considered the preferred method of many NYers I know - sending it out. The problem is that at least half of my shirts and pants get hung to dry ... so I'm not walking around looking like Urkel. If half my laundry can't go in the dryer it seems silly to send it to the cleaners.

Needless to say, it sits, dormant and funky in the backseat of my car waiting to be doused with water and purged of it's foul human odors and miscellaneous stains.

If anyone knows a kindly troll in search of a new master to serve or a house boy who works cheap, I'm really interested. Must be hard working, good with delicates, willing to dust and not smell of cabbage. Benefits include home cooking and a burlap sack in the corner of the bedroom.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

good news...

My big, gay husband and I have co-written a one woman show that will make it's debut in an unfinished state in April. Some of you have seen me do stand up but few of you have seen me do any sort of acting (other than like an ass, natch).

I really hope some of the three of you can attend.

One Woman Standing
a developmental series
with Emerging Artists Theatre
April 17, 18, 19 at 7:00pm & 9:00pm
April 22 at 1:00pm & 3:00pm
311 W 43rd St., 5th Floor
$10.00 suggested donation
Reservations at 212 247-2429

Wednesday, April 19th
at 7:00pm
The Physics of Love by Jennifer Pawlitschek
at 9:00pm
Museum by Rob Gompers performed by Jen Kuhnz
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time by Amybeth Whissel, cowritten and directed by Robert Gompers.

Monday, March 20, 2006

This Sunday marked my second attendance at the monthly brunch of many names. This weeks installment was the Big Straight Brunch featuring Big Nelly Gays. I had a great time. Three actors, two playwrites, one producer and far too many Mimosas...

Below you'll find the reason most men are concerned about taking me... well anywhere really... But mostly home to meet the 'rents.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Top of the mornin to you...

On behalf of the Carney Clan, I'd like to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Mind you, I'm not a big fan of St. Patrick - the prick demonized pagan religions and caused the death of many witches in his quest to spread Chrisitianity. However, it is a day to celebrate the warmth, lyricism, storytelling and humor of the Irish.

Growing up, my Momma always made corned beef and cabbage and a chocolate mint cake with green frosting. Then she'd tell me stories about my Irish ancestors. Today, I spoke to cousins and will speak to siblings to tell them how much they mean to me. But for now, I've ingested some soda bread and Guinness and Kelson and I are headed to 5th Avenue for the parade. Embarrassing photos to follow.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Smoke up Johnny...

One of the biggest losses caused by the sweeping pandemic of political correctness is the death of the bad boy, the tortured artist, the hard livin rock and roller. For fuck's sake, even Colin Farrell has gone to rehab... sigh.

If Tara Reid and Christian Slater are the new faces of the live fast and die young set, it's a sure sign of the cultural apocalypse in America .

See, you have to actually do something artistic to be an icon for the poetry and artistry of torture and abuse. Paris Hilton isn't fit to wipe the ass of Charles Bukowski, Dorothy Parker or Wm. S. Burroughs.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Here's to your hole...

Family : )

My sister, who I affectionately refer to as the overachiever, defended her doctoral dissertation today and is officially Dr. Jennifer K. Simpson MSN, CRNP, AOCN, PhD. I also frequently tell her I'm sure her sole purpose is to make the rest of us look bad.

She runs marathons, is a mother of two, has an ever climbing pharmaceutical career and now, a doctoral degree. I, however, got tired writing that sentence. Needless to say, I am incredibly proud and have vowed never to discuss and therfor reveal my ignorance of Estrogen metabolism, hormone replacement therapy, and body mass index, and their potential impact, individually and combined, on breast density.

That said, I think I'll drink a beer, scratch my ass and write some new material.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Unofficial signs of Spring

Long live the disposable razor!, originally uploaded by AB Carney.

1. I begin posting regularly again
2. Strange men with no photos on their MySpace profile begin randomly initiating contact.
3. I leave the couch twice in one week.
4. Overwhelming desire to shave and paint my toes. (goodbye yeti!)
5. Increase in masturbation.
6. Street Vendors put out their hippest knock off shades.
7. Women almost enjoy being ogled by the Spanish guys who get their attention by going "pssst" when they pass.
8. I put away half my sock collection.
9. My friend Shay is spotted in Manhattan - 20 minutes from his country home in idyllic Brooklyn.
10. I begin to contemplate another career change.

Monday, March 06, 2006

You are Number 9...

Sunday my friend Rishi and I made our way over to Rising Dragon Tattoo on 23rd Street for my ninth and his first tattoo. I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy the feeling.

The rendering is what I wanted it to look like. However, Joao Paolo convinced me I was going to lose a lot of the detail unless I went about twice as big. I didn't want the design to overlap as it wrapped around my leg so we agreed to make a few changes.

I wanted something to represent my mother so I chose her symbol - the butterfly - more specifically, the Monarch. Within the shape of the butterfly I placed the initials of myself and my three siblings with my Mom's initials down the center of the body. I know she was proud of us and felt we were the most important thing in her life. I wanted a lasting tribute to her and her legacy. She kept us all together after my father left and made us stronger and tighter knit than we might have been otherwise.

I realized later that I intended to make the tattoo for Mom and it wound up being a tribute to all of mi familia. Sentimental bastard :)

Did I mention the wicked crush I now have on my tattoo artist? If anything better comes from Brazil, they won't let it out of the country.

Prosthetic Update!!!

I can't say for sure whether the MTA came through for her, but I'm happy to report that Melissa Huff got her legs back!

The two legs, which were taken from Melissa Huff's bedroom in February, were found on Wednesday in the back of her mother's van, Austin said.
"Mrs. Huff had the van at Arcadia High School (for about two hours) and when she drove away she heard some rattling and ultimately found the two legs that had just recently been stolen had been placed in the back of the van," Austin said.

I saw another MTA poster yesterday for lost items and I think they may have a surplus of dentures. So if any of you fine folks out there are in need of a set of chompers, the number once again is...212.712.4500.
If anyone is missing dentures, unequivocally identifies theirs at the MTA AND is actually willing to use them again, please notify me immediately - this is someone I've gotta meet.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

An offer I can't refuse...

I received this email a couple weeks ago and have been considering it ever since. As many of you know I have a fondness for Italian men, food and Italy in general. Therefore I am embarking on a plan to realize the glorious potential match below.


This is a legitimate appeal for ladies only.
If you are interested or if you want to unsuscribe email me at

I'm an Italian guy,I live in Italy and my name is Andrea.I live in Padova.
I'm sending this message to the people because I'm bored to live in Italy,I'm
looking for a lady what could invite me in usa.I seek a millionaires american
lady who desires a young guy for marriage.
I would love to find a lady who doesn't work too much and has time for me

I would love to find a wealthy lady who lives in one of the following places in
usa or nearby:
1) "The treasure coast",I mean north east Broward County or east Palm Beach
2)Honolulu (Hawaii)
4)Las Vegas(nevada)
6)Jupiter,Stuart,Coral Springs,Jensen Beach,Boynton Beach,Deepwater,Hutchinson
Island or Miami(Florida)

Considering that I like the mature women, I'd love to find a lady of 45-60yo
age range.
I'd love to find a gentle long haired lady who lives in a swimming pool house
near the sea (as I like to swim) .
I seek a lady without young or old children,a no smoker lady who could be
widowed,separated,single ,divorced.
I would need a sugarmamma figure at the beginning .

I seek a bisexual woman that figures out of the years,looks young and feels
young :
it's not a problem if she's not beautiful because she should be beautiful inside
and most of all ,she should desire a younger soulmate.(She could be overweight
The thing I desire is to fix a serious stable relationship with a lady who
gives me the opportunity to have a better life.


I have long black hair,my weight is 65 kilos(145 lbs) and my height is about
1.80 metres(5.11)...
I'm no smoker /drinker and I'm good looking.

If you could be the kind of woman I'm looking for, write me soon please!!!!!!

Thank you very much for reading my letter .
I think there must be a woman for me out there.



All relationships have problems as you all know. here are the ones I am a bit concerned about - though quite certain Andrea and I can overcome.

I am not 45-60 years of age.
I am not a millionaire.
The only body of water I am close to is the East River (most likely not what he had in mind). But how sweet is it that he's willing to live in the pool house?
He's skinny (a buck 45, come on Andrea. I could floss with you!)
He doesn't smoke or drink. (this might be a dealbreaker)
My hair was long but I just had 5 inches cut off.

I do like that I can be:
and a pedophile...

For those of you who want to help us celebrate this blessed union, we've decided to eschew a registry at Bergdorf's, Sax or Barney's for the items on my Amazon Wish List.

I'm so excited. If all goes well I'll be a glowing June bride!
Wish me luck!